Ex-Tabula Rasa

Fuiru 4

Perhaps in punishment for the fifth bullet of my last post, we have just received notification that a fourth person with my name has joined the company, as a director in our offices.

Words cannot express the utter, utter panic that rose throughout my body upon opening a company-wide email from our director, glancing down into the body of the message, and seeing my own name.

5ive things

• I recently discovered that the only TV show my wife and her brother were not allowed to watch as children was Scooby-Doo. This was because my father-in-law found the show’s opening credits depiction of ACTUAL GHOSTS compared with the revelation of GHOSTLY FAKERY at the end of each show to be morally indefensible.

• My unborn son/daughter already hates me, as he/she stops kicking/hitting/headbutting my wife’s insides as soon as I put my hand on her stomach to feel it. The only time I feel interior thwackage is when my wife is cuddling me in bed and the baby kicks my ass.

• Whenever I’m asked to throw my hands in the air and wave them like I just don’t care, I get confused by the implication that I actually do care. I don’t care. I’m not waving them like I don’t care, I actually don’t care. I am apathetic to the situation. This means that paranoia sets in…why don’t I care? Is my lack of concern over hand waving an issue? Could it get me in trouble later? Am I being too casual in my hand-waving? Argh!

• I hope that one day search engines have improved so I can type in “What is the cause of canker sores AND ONLY SHOW ME SITES THAT DO NOT CONTAIN PICTURES OF CANKER SORES BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE I DO NOT NEED TO SEE PICTURES OF CANKERS THEY’RE DISGUSTING I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE CAUSED BY”

• There are two other people in my company with the same name as me, whom I will call Fuiru 2 and Fuiru 3. I recently set up a Gmail account and started sending messages of illicit love to Fuiru 2 from someone who is having an affair with (and wrongly assumes their mail is going to) Fuiru 3. So far Fuiru 2 has not let on that the emails are going to the wrong person and so is carrying on an affair with someone whom he thinks believes to be carrying on an affair with a different person but with the same name. I am hoping that in some time I can arrange for an illicit rendezvous to which only Fuiru 2 and Fuiru 3 show up. Eventually I would like Fuirus 2 and 3 to marry.

anarchyandscotch:

fuiru replied to your post: On my own for dinner tonight.

I once bought a packaged BLT. It had no B nor T. It was an L. An L. A motherfucking cockshitting pantsniffing arsefelching knobjockeying L. Fuck that shit. Worst chuffing sandwich ever.

This comment is better than anything I’ve written in weeks.

This comment has more notes than anything I’ve written in weeks…

Truthful Todayday Things

• A friend of mine in work is also an expectant father, and he started prenatal classes last night. He totally agrees with me that the redhead in the birthing video (you get to see EVERYTHING!) totally looks like Molly Ringwald.
• I will never again look at The Breakfast Club in the same way.
• Tonight we’re watching the caesarean section video. I wonder if the person in it looks like Ally Sheedy.
• I hope not.
• Don’t you
• Forget about me
• Don’t don’t don’t don’t you
• Forget about me

Typical Prenatal Class

“Okay guys, today I’m going to show you how to hold a baby. So, let’s say this is your baby, okay? Yes, Gregory, you have a question?

“No, Gregory, this isn’t your baby. This is a doll.Your baby is still inside your wife. Yes, that’s the lumpy bit in the middle. We went through this last week, Gregory; you might want to check your notes.

“Okay, going back to holding the baby. this way here is acceptable; like this is not acceptable, as it could damage the baby. Note the difference. Why don’t you take it in turns to practice? While you’re doing that I’ll go over some of the…sorry, what’s that Gregory?

“No, Gregory, as I said before, it’s a doll. It’s not moving because it’s a doll. It was never alive, Gregory.

“Look…please stop crying, Gregory.

“Okay, that’s better. Now, show me again how you were holding the baby - sorry, doll - just now, just before you thought you’d killed it. Okay class, can anyone tell me what’s wrong with the way Gregory is holding the baby?

“That’s correct Linda. The baby is upside down. Sorry Gregory, I know it’s not easy, but you’ll get the hang of it. This part is the head, and these things here are the legs. That’s better, now it’s the right way up. Excellent! Now, is Gregory holding the baby correctly now, class?

“Very good, Colin, that’s correct. Gregory is holding the baby by its neck, which is quite dangerous and could result in the baby losing consciousness.

“Oh God, Gregory, I told you before, it’s not dead, it’s a doll. I’m not going to call the police, it’s not a real…you know what? Class dismissed. I think we’ve all learned enough tonight. Let’s go home.

“Gregory, that’s not your wife, that’s a birthing ball.”