January 2012
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Dancing in the disco, bumper to bumper
Wait a minute, where’s me jumper?
Lesbian Bed Death →
distorte:
This wikipedia entry is not quite as terrifying as the title would lead you to believe.
New band name.
A Friendly Message
With a click, the apartment door opened and a shaft of light burst in from the hall, then fell out as the owner closed the door behind him. There was a patting noise as he felt for the light switch, and a rustling noise that told me he must have stopped off for groceries on the way home. Must be why he was later than usual, I reasoned.
When the light came on, he turned and saw me sitting in the...
I steer the conversation during our coffee break
Me: You know when you put your access card in your back pocket and you wave your arse at the card reader and the door opens automatically and you're like, "yes! Arse-powered exit!"
Coworker 1: Uh huh?
Me: And you know how they now have those touch-screen self-service machines in Tim Hortons?
Coworker 2: Uh huh?
Me: Do you think it would ever be possible to order a coffee using nothing but the power of your own arse?
Coworker 1: ...
Coworker 2: You'd need to have pretty powerful butt-muscles.
Me: And you couldn't have a really flat arse. You'd need a bit of a sticking-out arse, otherwise you'd be pressing all the buttons on the screen like when Homer was obese and he tried to use the phone.
Coworker 2: "Your butt is too fat. To order a special butt pointer, randomly hammer the screen with your butt."
Coworker 1: This is pretty gross, you guys.
Coworker 2: Not really...at least your butt is covered up. People can do worse things with their fingers.
Me: You could be using the touch screen self-service machine after someone who just picked their arse.
Coworker 2: That would be bad.
Everyone: ...
Coworker 1: You know what my favourite British comedy film of the last 25 years is?
Me: Death at the Funeral?
Coworker 1: Holy shit.
Coworker 2: You scare me sometimes.
Me: I scare myself.
Colleague 1: What do you think of the new guy on reception?
Colleague 2: He seems okay, but...there's just...something...I don't like about him.
C1: What do you mean?
C2: It's hard to explain. I just get this weird vibe. Fuiru, do you know what I mean?
Me: Yeah, it's like he's the type of person who'll invite you to a party, and when you get there you're the only person who turned up, and he'll go out of his way to insist that there are other people coming, but nobody else comes. And it's really awkward because you think you should go but something in his eyes says he might do something unpleasant if you make any excuses.
C2: That's kind of it, yeah...
Me: ...and then something on his mantlepiece catches your eye, and you see, in amongst all these photos of pictures of his family and friends, and framed holiday photos, there's a framed photo of you. And that's when you notice that there's all these litter boxes and untouched bowls of pet food everywhere, but no signs of any pets.
C2: In a way, I guess...
Me: ...and then he comes in with some board games, but they're not board games you've ever heard of before, they've got names like "Throw Benny from the Lighthouse" and "Kill Them Before They Take Your Raisins" and in the distance you hear a crow.
C2: Just a weird vibe, I guess.
Reblog if you're taxed at a higher rate than Mitt...
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State of the Bunion
Throbby.
An incomplete list of my karaoke failures and...
Rocks - Primal Scream (onscreen lyrics significantly faster than music; effects of drink preventing adequate memorisation to compensate)
That’s What I go to School for - Busted (inclusion of presumably album-only verse not known by any of the singers due to only having music video-/single-version familiarity)
Locolotion - Orange Range (Extremely fast Japanese rap; unfamiliarity with...
TT
I like seeing people make jokes about Blackberries and Windows machines and non-Apple equipment on Tumblr and Twitter because it reminds me that I used to be an insecure person too.
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Pardon me while I blow your mind.
So there’s this TV series, right? Okay. And of the main characters is a young woman whose job involves waiting on other people. And she falls for this broodingly handsome guy who is much older than her. But their love does not always go to plan because he has a dark and murky past that forces him to keep secrets and go off on mysterious errands without telling her why, all presumably for her...
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Progress
When last year’s Oscars nominations were announced, I had seen only one out of all the films up for awards (The Tempest).
This year I have seen three. That is progress.
You will not be able to guess all three because it is statistically very unlikely.
"Disappointment" is too strong a word...
Apparently I misheard our dinner plans.
We’re making wontons.
We’re not being wanton.
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Downton Abbey: Season 3 Episode 1
Scene 1
INTERIOR, LIBRARY: A tour guide in his early 20s leads a group of children through Downton Abbey’s large library. With one or two exceptions, the children all look down at mobile phones and portable gaming devices. A pair of adults (presumably teachers) follow on behind.
TOUR GUIDE: As you can see, the library remains in an excellent state of preservation. Some of these books are...
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donthenerd replied to your post: Maths
You didn’t factor in the time you may save in the future by discovering and removing the cause of the discrepancy. Time justified. GET TO WORK.
HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS MY BOSS HAS A TUMBLR
Maths
Value of discrepancy in our tax reconciliation: $x
My hourly wage: $x/4
Number of hours ago that it became unprofitable for the company to pay me to investigate this arseholing discrepancy: 2
Pisstacular shitbuckets: Bumfiend to the power of Grr
Teaching Improv to Grade 9s
Mrs Fuiru: Right, this next exercise is called "what not to say." I give a situation and one of you stand up and say something that shouldn't be said in that situation. Understand?
Class: Yes.
Mrs Fuiru: Okay then: Funeral!
One boy: "I'd tap that."
Mrs Fuiru [stifling laughter]: Excuse me, I've just got to get something from outside...
Popular Facebook Surveys
‘The BBC believes you will have read only six of the following hundred books. How many have you read?’
‘The BBC believes you have crap taste in films. Which of the following films do you like?’
‘The BBC believes you’re a whiny little shit who whines about absolutely everything like some spoilt little madam who can’t even put her pants on in the morning...
“I had ADD as a child. They sent me to a concentration camp.”
– My dentist (who is jewish) has quite possibly the weirdest sense of humour of anyone I know.
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Fruit babies
One thing I’ve come to learn about pregnancy is that there is a tendency for information resources to express your unborn baby’s size in terms of comparable fruit. Six weeks ago our child was the size of a grape. Three weeks ago, a lime. Last week, a lemon. Right now apparently my wife is carrying an apple inside her. The only reprieve from all this fruit was when, between the sizes of...
“Man is the only creature who refuses to be what he is.”
– Albert Camus (via gill-man)
“I yam what I yam”
- Popeye
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tj asked: Allotta Vagina if it's a girl, Biggus Dickus if it's a boy.
girl-detective asked: IF YOU DO NOT NAME THAT CHILD JAMES BOND MIDSOMER SMITH OUR FRIENDSHIP WILL BE IN PERIL
Political Candidates Claim City Should be Run Like...
Placeville, Stateonia
Political candidate Arnold Wifeappreciation has announced that his electoral platform will be based on running the city “like a business.” The businessman, who has many years’ experience running businesses, insisted that, like a business, the city should be held to account with the same series of checks and balances in order to keep the city solvent. Also,...
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Truthful something
Mrs Fuiru got the Downton Abbey DVDs on the weekend for her birthday. We watched the first few episodes together.
Man, that is good shit. Fucked up shit, but good shit. Hilarious shit.
I came into it thinking it would be all po-faced household drama, but there’s more slapstick nonsense in that show than effing Laurel and Hardy repairing ladders in a ball-bearing factory.
There’s...
Why "Fuiru"?
We chose “Fuiru” as our Tumblr name because we believe this reflects the tough, no-nonsense attitude of the brand while simultaneously evoking feelings of mirth, girth and love for Mother Earth. Saying “Fuiru” out loud creates a mouthful of fuzzy vowelesse, like sifting icing sugar onto your face while lying on a tumblr dryer. This is something that we think makes this...
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The Judgement of Solomon
From 1 Kings 3: Two Harlots are arguing over a baby boy, each asserting that the child is theirs and that the other woman accidentally killed her own son and is lying about it.
(23) Then said the king: ‘The one saith: This is my son that liveth, and thy son is the dead; and the other saith: Nay; but thy son is the dead, and my son is the living.’
(24) And the king said: ‘Fetch...
fobay asked: Actually, the name should be Mafia No Fear. That name was rejected in New Zealand, and you should totally do it just to stick it to the Kiwis.
girl-detective asked: Also, "James Bond" would be a good name for either a boy or a girl.
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Thanks to you all for your congratulations and...
Alyson and I are really excited. And terrified. But mostly excited. The due date is July 20th, but we’re hoping he/she is born on the 15th because that’s Saint Swithun’s Day and that’s the happiest day of the year.
Also, in the meantime, I’d be really interested to know what everyone’s opinion on breastfeeding is.
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“What are you doing?”
– Man’s voice (not mine) heard coming from a bookcase behind our sofa by my wife as she watched TV while I washed dishes in the kitchen.
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And lo! The hot dog backlash begins!
It began with the vegetarians and vegans. Mass unfollowings were reported by 3:35. The anonymous askbox messages were unleashed minutes later.
Those whose lunches were put to shame by the brazen hot dog photographs were next. Numerous news agencies reported sightings of mass butthurt in areas of America, Canada, Europe and Australasia.
Arguments occurred with pro- and anti-hotdog factions...
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Three seconds
- The amount of time it took me after leaving the house to realise that wearing grey cotton trousers in heavy rain is a bad idea.
I shouldn’t be allowed to go outside unless my wife has dressed me, I really shouldn’t.