February 2012
“Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right.”
– Ricky Gervais (via sirmitchell)
Equally, just because you’re offensive, doesn’t mean you’re funny.
I'm a finance assistant
Or “Accountant Monkey”.
I process expense claims, calculate our sales tax payments, generate reports, stare at Excel, wonder why this reconciling number and that reconciling number (which should be the same number) are not the same number because they really ought to be the same number and if they’re not the same number then one of them is the incorrect number but which one?...
I was just Dutch-Revolving-Doored
Like a Dutch Oven, but done while entering a building.
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catty1 replied to your post: Today is the worst day ever
you have two shoe horns? Wait. You have two FAVORITE shoe horns? Which implies that you have others that you don’t like too much … is your shoe horn also a back scratcher?
There are several things a true gentleman should own. A shoe horn is one of them. Other things include:
Cufflinks
An inquiring mind
A work of historical non-fiction...
Today is the worst day ever
This morning I broke my favourite shoe horn.
This means I have to look for and find my second favourite shoe horn.
And if I can’t find my second favourite shoe horn, I’ll have to start untying my shoelaces when I come home from work, like some substratan oik.
TorontUp: TWEETUMBLUP IN TORONTO! Saturday, June... →
torontup:
Come to Toronto! See Toronto stuff! Meet Toronto people! Drink Toronto drinks! Stare at Canadians! They probably won’t have a gun. If you’re already from Toronto or Canada, some of this stuff won’t be as exciting. I’m sorry.
There are two Jays games that weekend, and NXNE is on, so there should…
!!!
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD IT WAS A COLD DAY, OKAY?
Jesus, people. Every damn time.
Who would play me...
Andrew Lincoln, he of The Walking Dead/Teachers/Love Actually fame.
“When it emerged that her father was a website domain name millionaire who had...”
– Barry Divola on Lana Del Rey: Crowned, criticised and now cancelled | The Age
Good onya, Baz. This is a great piece.
(via clambistro)
THE LAUGHING GNOME IS A FUCKING MASTERPIECE! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU!
A story
A man I used to work for was once telling me about his love of golf. His adoration for the pseudo-sport was that of a man in the throes of a late-middle-aged new love affair.
“When you’re playing golf,” he told me, “you’re not playing against your opponent.”
He paused, possibly fearing that taking in too much of his wisdom at once would somehow addle my...
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TT
I’m turning into something new. Something strange to me. I’m becoming something that I never gave much thought to because it just never came up. I can feel it happening, and I notice the changes in my behaviour, and I don’t know if I can do anything to stop it.
I’m turning into the dreaded Overprotective Husband of a Pregnant Woman.
It manifests itself several ways that I...
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1980s Quiz
Do you consider yourself a child of the 80s? An adolescent of the 80s? Some other 80s dependant? Try my quiz and see how much you really remember about the decade that came before the 90s (and after the 70s)! (Answers below)
In the 1980s, what was “strong and sudden, and cruel sometimes”?
Who was “talking away; I don’t know what to say, I’ll say it anyway”?
...
Coffee break
Colleague: I can't imagine you dancing at all.
Me: I shake my ass. Like, literally. I shake it.
Colleague: Like...what? Like someone mixing dough?
Me: No, more like a cat presenting itself to other cats.
Colleague: Oh, I'm totally not inviting you to my wedding now.
Me: You can invite me, just don't invite any cats.
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Names of the Chicken Dance (US)/Birdie Dance (UK)...
Greece: The Ducklings
Romania: The Hen
Sweden: The Bird Dance
Japan: The Crazy Bird
France: The Duck Dance
Korea: If Everybody Were Angels
What the fuck, Korea?
“Wow, that one Tumblr user just favourited my twenty most recent posts in the...”
– Nobody, ever.
News Just In: IPhone obsessives react poorly to...
Everyone within earshot goes ‘uh huh’, laughs into their sleeve
She was no Tom Petty...
But say what you like, it was entertaining. And that’s the point.
““So, you aren’t currently doing any experiments?” I ask him.
“I’m banned,” he...”
– Jon Ronson meets DIY scientists (via guardian)
WWF/Scramble
Now that I’m one of you Apple People, I got myself a Words with friends / Scramble account. ‘Fuiru’ was taken, so I’m fuirusmoth. Play me and watch me curse the American spellings of things.
Oh, and while I’m not promising anything for anyone else, in my first Scramble game with Richard the word ‘penis’ was there. Accidentally, you could say.
I feel bad
Two days after Mrs Fuiru got me an iPad, her Kobo Vox stopped working.
It just gave up. It lost the will to live.
I feel terrible.
mercurypdx:
rosa—sparks:
lemdi:
counterclock-wise:
nanner:
angstinmypants:
glossylalia:
Tumblr would show up to a booze party with a bottle of kombucha.
When the professor says, “If there are no more questions, we’ll dismiss early today,” Tumblr would raise its hand.
Tumblr brings up plotholes in Bridesmaids.
Tumblr spoils the end of the movie while waiting in line to buy...
How I imagine Tumblr monetization meetings to go
Not Jon Karp #1: “So, with my projections, when introduced, this feature will be paid for and used by around 5% of our user base, which will earn us revenue of lots of money.”
Not Jon Karp #2: “I like it. Makes sense. A lot of people will want to do that. It improves the user experience for those who use it, and it’s not intrusive for those who don’t. Jon? What do...
“What kind of person immigrated to the New World? Not counting slaves, there were...”
– Chuck Klosterman, The Visible Man (via kayfabe)
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You Want a Physicist to Speak at Your Funeral
Because he’ll be going on about stars and stuff and everyone will be like, “I didn’t know he knew a physicist! How did he know a physicist?” and they’ll be whispering to one another, “Do you know who the physicist is?” and nobody will know who he is and it’ll be pretty mysterious because this random physicist is at your funeral talking about stars...
Lists of note: Wartime Golf Rules →
“As the Battle of Britain began to take hold in 1940, a bomb fell on an outbuilding belonging to Richmond Golf Club in Surrey, England. As a result, the club — rather than halt future rounds of golf — issued an incredible list of temporary golf rules to all members that took into account the potentially life-threatening conditions on the course.”
My particular favourites:
2. In...
My post from yesterday where I basically wrote a bunch of made-up nonsense about the Republican presidential candidates (including several thinly-veiled insinuations that Rick Santorum is actually a closeted homosexual) made it to the ‘Featured Politics’ page of Tumblr.
I think that sums up the current level of political discourse on the internet.
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Oh, it's THAT day again, is it?
The day when all the British people look sideways at their American chums and go ‘uh huh, so we’re the ones with quaint nonsensical rituals from a bygone age?’
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Lesser-known facts about Republican Presidential...
Newt Gingrich:
When applying for a job and made to fill in a box marked “weaknesses,” usually writes “Cannot see through walls”
Is actually two less conservative men, one standing on the other’s shoulders, wearing a long jacket
Was sent by Dre to piss the world off, was too successful, hence Eminem
Likes his buffets like he likes his marriages: Open
First name is...
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So what now...?
Like a teenage boy staring at a poster of a supermodel, I’ve coveted the iPad for a while, knowing full well that there was absolutely no way I’d ever get my hands on one. And with no reduction in the validity of the analogy, now I have one I’ve no idea what to do with it.
Sure, I’ve downloaded Scrabble and Twitter and Facebook and the obligatory ‘throw the birds at...
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Oh shit
I’m writing this on an iPad you guys…oh God I don’t know what I’m doing…is this an angry bird? Am I a facetime? I got an iPad for my birthday from Mrs Fuiru…what do I do? Do I need to get an autocorrect? Oh God
January 2012
Birthday presents
I haven’t opened any presents yet today, I’m saving them for tonight. But already today:
The results for the much hated Advanced Accounting course exam I took in December were released and I passed with honours.
In my annual review my boss told me that while everyone else in the finance department is gunning for his job (VP), I should set my sights higher in the long term, like...
Annual Review
I told my boss that I had thought about writing “impregnated my wife” under the “Accomplishments for the last year” section of my review form.
He laughed and told me that years ago when he worked at another company a woman had written “Start a family” in the “Goals for the next five years” section and that he had told her that, professionally and...
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Today it's my annual Performance Review
I’m filling in the form to bring with me. Under the ‘achievements during the year’ section I’m really really tempted to write “impregnated my wife”.
davio1962 asked: Happiest of Birthdays, funny guy!
fobay asked: 誕生日おめでとう！
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distorte:
My husband revealed his infidelity to me at a hypnotist’s stage show. Those selected by the hypnotist were up on stage in a row of cheap blue plastic chairs, heads thrown back, swimming against invisible tides, when he turned to me and said, very clearly, very lucidly, ‘I’ve been sleeping with Patricia.’ He wasn’t even one of the performers. He was sitting beside me, watching from the...