December 2009
My father-in-law got Civilisation IV for Christmas. This is the first time I’ve had access to the computer since 9:00 on December 25th. Hello everyone, I’m not dead.
Shit, he’s coming back…
Reasons I love my in-laws, number 1
Last night, approximately 10:30 pm. My father- and brother-in-law and wife had met me at Ottawa train station and driven me back to the family house. I took off my coat and gloves, Tom (my brother-in-law) took my bag to Alyson’s and my room, and then my father-in-law pointed to a load of boxes outside the bedroom door.
“We had a cocktail party at the weekend,” he said....
Last night on the train I invented a new game....
This is a game for any number of people, preferably more than one. It’s ideal for parties, family road trips and being trapped in an elevator between floors while someone goes into labour.
No equipment is needed.
The game starts with someone inventing a new collective noun, for example: “A cabinet of plumbers”. The next person invents a new collective noun to refer to the...
Some day without trying you’ll find something that’s rare Like an eight letter word on a triple word square And I knew a girl who thrived on second-hand news She wore clips in her hair and she judged boys by their shoes A thousand ideas I try to tell crossword girl How do I get one across when you’re always too down? And if things get hard will you throw in the pen? But...
Good evening chaps!
This may surprise you, but I’m not the most refined of Englishmen, being a scruffy Northerner by trade. But there really is something about first class rail travel that brings out the gentleman in me.
Maybe it’s the leg room. Maybe it’s the service. Maybe it’s the food. Maybe it’s just how civilized the whole journey is.
Or maybe it’s the five hours of free...
The concept of rounding numbers up or down was...
I fucking love being in work early
I love the fact that there’s hardly anyone else here. The fact that most of the lights are out becuase they’re motion-activated (and that I can see them flicking on as people walk out to the far corners of the office).
I love the quiet, and the feeling that work is actually being done because no idiots are walking around asking stupid questions and setting up meetings that won’t...
Two weeks. Two weeks before the end of the year...
All year long I’ve been cursing the fact that we were given wallchart calendars in French. All year long I’ve been looking at it and thinking back to my high school language classes, cursing under my breath as I go, “Jeudi…Jeudi…sigh…’lundi mardi mecredi jeudi…okay, that’s Thursday…fucking French calendars”.
And so now, with just...
Some Day I Will Own this Company and Fire Everyone
I just got an email from one of my colleagues with whom I work very closely. Apparently she had run out of Christmas cards, so she wouldn’t be sending one. Instead she sent a clipart picture of Santa.
Well that just increased my festiveness by about .0001%.
"Sure," he said. "I'll tell you my story."
“It was a few years ago now, in the spring. I was minding my own business, walking home from work. I was happy that the snow had finally melted, and I was pleased to be able to avoid public transport.
“I turned a corner and out of nowhere a woman was running towards me. As she got closer I recognised her; it was Alanis Morrisette. She had a mad, desperate look in her eyes.
“She...
There’s this ad for a home improvement store when a mother and daughter are talking via their laptops with cameras on them and the mother is holding the computer up and showing the home improvements they’ve been doing because the daughter is away, presumably at University or prison or something. Then at the end she goes outside to show her the front garden and the daughter is there and...
I finished the wine
marleymarley:
fuiru:
Yet without Marley here…it just seems…
Empty.
THAT’S BECAUSE YOU DRANK IT ALL YOU GREEDY BASTARD.
Do I have to come all the way up to Candida to help you drink up what is obviously a very nice liquor cabinet/beer fridge? I do?
AWESOME. BE RIGHT OVER.
This is, as we say back in England, a result.
And if one day I should become A singer with a Spanish bum Who sings for women of great virtue I’d sing to them with a guitar I borrowed from coffee bar Well, what you don’t know doesn’t hurt you
- Jackie - Scott Walker
messages in space
tom: tell my wife i love her very much
ground control: she kno-o-o-ows.
You know what I hate about this? It's almost like Ground Control is saying "Come on Tom, let's have some last words that actually mean something, you boring bastard!"
I finished the wine
Yet without Marley here…it just seems…
Empty.
1 tag
True Story
I once unfollowed someone because the majority of their posts were of the “OMG I’m so frickin’ drunk” variety.
Okay, I’m singing along to the Star Spangled Banner. This is why my wife is not allowed to leave me alone at weekends.
Signing off.
Holy shit I must be drunk I'm getting teary at the...
Oh God
I just finished a bottle of Aventinus Eisbock. It’s one of my favourite flavourful dark beers. I was about to type “That shit is 8% beer, y’all.” But then for reasons of accuracy I checked the bottle. And so now I’m typing
“That shit is 12% beer, y’all.”
Fuck.
I was about to comment on my weekly MarleyMarley drinking challenge (more my own...
Mrs Fuiru left for Ottawa at noon...
…which means I’m already drunk and bored of porn.
So I've been thinking about that Proclaimers song...
I’m not a woman (despite appearances), and I can’t say for sure how a woman would feel in this situation. But if I heard a knock at my door and some weedy-looking Scottish guy was there, collapsed on the front step, I would probably be a little bit freaked out. My first reaction would be “holy crap someone just got attacked by a group of thugs and mine was the first house they...
Reblogged by Sniffy and a #FF from @abigvictory?
Holy shit guys, Christmas is next week…
Overly tough peel... mushy flesh... Fucking Hell,...
Fuck you apple, you’re an apple, not a peach. Get some fucking backbone and give me some fucking crunch, you little dipshit fruit.
You know, I was willing to overlook the bruises and give you a chance, but fuck that, you’re going straight in the bin where you belong, you shitty mealy piece of crap.
Argh, I’m pissed off now. This clementine better not have any seeds…
GAH!...
Another overheard joke between the nuclear...
A: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
B: My brother’s wife is blonde, I’ll ask her at the weekend.
A: …but it’s a joke…
B: Oh. Maybe she’s heard it then. I’ll ask her and get back to you.
Things I have learned in the last ten years
The end of a decade is a good time to reminisce and look back on the things you’ve learned. As I will be turning 30 in January, the noughties pretty much correspond to my twenties, giving me a pretty solid boundary in which to consider. For that reason, then, I’ve been thinking about the things the last ten years have taught me. Off the top off my head, here are some:
Headbutting a...
My new film starts like this
So God is there, on the first few days of creation, dicking about with the new animals and making all that day and night and guff. And then there’s this flash of light and a Delorean appears out of nowhere and crashes into an ocelot. The door opens and this mad professor type gets out, looking kind of wild and confused. He looks over, and he sees God, and he’s like, “God! Thank...
The Adagio of Rodrigo's Concierto de Aranjuez
donchiefnerd:
Makes me cry like a little baby.
Move along, nothing more to see here.
My favourite piece of music ever, bar none. I’ll be with Don, crying in the corner.
Holy crap, work has been crazy.
How much butthurt did I miss in the last few days?
My boss: My wife got the Swine Flu vaccine the other day. It's funny, she hates needles even though she's a veterinary surgeon and gives injections all the time.
Me: You're an accountant; do you like being audited?
My boss: Good point.
“I saw two shooting stars last night
I wished on them but they were only...”
– Billy Bragg, A New England
“Without music, life would be a mistake.”
– Nietzsche
When Excel crashes at 4:35 on a Friday afternoon,...
Things I am looking forward to tonight:
Home-made pizza
The spiciest red wine I can find
A storm outside
Cuddles on the couch
Hell yeah. I may hate babies but I’m all about the snuggles on a cold winter’s Friday night.
Straight after I posted the last entry, this...
Coworker: Are you coming to see Katherine's twins?
Me: Did she bring doughnuts?
Coworker: I don't think so...
Me: Then I'm staying right here with my testosterone intact.
Work etiquette tip
If you’re bringing in your newborn twins to show your workmates, it’s generally accepted that you should also bring a large box of doughnuts. This is so the men have something to do while the women are all drawn into the baby gravitational pull.
Here's a tip for the many thousands of BBC and CBC...
School. Say it. “School.” Not “shool”, “school”.
Scheme. Say it. “Scheme.” Not “sheme”, “scheme”.
Now say “Schedule”. No, say “schedule”. No, say “schedule”. No, you’re saying “shedule”. Go back to the beginning and start again.
I lost my hat.
Like, three weeks ago I lost my hat. And since then I’ve been like, “Oh, I should get a hat. That would be smart. Oh, I’ll do that tomorrow.” And then the next day I decide to do something more pressing, like rearranging the local library’s graphic novel section so that violent manga books are not kept in the ‘teenage’ section, or throwing empty bottles at...
My favourite "Yo Momma" joke
“Your mother is so fat that she is aware that people are making jokes regarding her weight to you and this depresses her to the point that she overeats to cope with the sadness and this overeating results in her gaining more weight, which causes more people to make jokes at her expense, leading to an infinite cycle of jokes, depression, overeating and weight gain, and this will never stop...
Here’s a thing about me. If you say you can’t go downstairs to the office deli customer appreciation free food giveaway because of your ‘weight’ despite being a skinny 50something who is lusted after by all the single middle aged men in the building, I’m not going to fuel your ego by disagreeing. I’m going to fuel your self doubt by agreeing with you.
...