December 2011
Predictions for 2012
God will die in February, prompting the Westboro Baptist Church to picket His funeral with signs saying “God hates God” and “Thank God for Dead Deities”.
The most popular television program in America will involve people attempting to untangle their iPod earphones with one gloved hand while Alannah Myles sings Black Velvet at their pet dog. Should the earphones be...
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I just watched a game of hockey
It was played on the ice like they do in the colonies.
It was very entertaining.
The Ottawa Senators (who were the home team) beat the away team The Calgary Flames by Four Ice Goals to Three Ice Goals, with the winning goal being scored in Ice Overtime. During the first Ice Period the Flames scored all three of their Ice Goals which made the victory in the latter stages all the more...
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A letter to the Editor in this month's Literary...
My book, Stories About Storytellers: Publishing Alice Munro, Robertson Davies, Alistair MacLeod, Pierre Trudeau and Others was so thoughtfully reviewed by John Burns that only a graceless ingrate could find any grounds for complaint. I am the man for the job.
The accompanying illustration shows a bearded man sitting at a desk with portraits of authors who seem to be Alice Munro, Robertson...
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Go to Chapters with a $30 gift card
Come away with nothing
Question my very existence
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The Bright Red Christmas Vest has been Brought...
Mrs Fuiru: It's my favourite Christmas tradition!
Me: Just call me Scarlet Jo Handsome.
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Merry Christmas Everyone!
If nobody hears from me for a while it’s because I got 97 hours of Homicide: Life on the Streets on DVD today.
YOU GUYS YOU GUYS YOU GUYS
do-over:
Phil. Is anti-panda.
Yes. Fuiru. My dear friend.
I quote: “They’re so rubbish. They can have babies once every ten years and if they hear a loud noise they miscarry and they only eat one food. Stupidest animals ever. If they weren’t cute they’d have gone extinct centuries ago.”
I just don’t know who I am anymore.
Not mentioned above:
When a panda gives birth she gets scared by...
Manners
Scowling, grimacing, terse customer (to chocolate shop sales assistant): “If I put together an assortment of truffles, do I get a little guide to what each one is?”
Shop assistant: “Oh, sorry, we’ve been really really busy today and we’ve completely run out. You can find the guide on our website though.”
SGTC: “Ugh. Okay. Ugh. That’ll have to...
It's an Annual Christmas Tradition
Come to the office with large suitcase because I’m going to Ottawa with Mrs Fuiru straight after work
Explain to everyone who asks why I have a large suitcase by my desk that I have a large suitcase by my desk because I’m going to Ottawa with Mrs Fuiru straight after work
Seriously consider breaking into the bottle of whisky intended as a present for my brother-in-law.
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girl-detective asked: They don't follow you because you're an asshole. Duh.
I think we can all agree
frageelay:
that Phil is an asshole.
My favourite part about this post is all the people liking it who don’t follow me…
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Oh God
I’m so sorry.
Me: [Humming]
Coworker: That's quite festive.
Me: It's the Final Fantasy victory music that plays when you win a battle.
Coworker: Okay...
Me: I just finished reconciling the subcontractor invoices.
Coworker: Okay...
Me: [Humming]
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We all hail hail
From rock and roll
girl-detective asked: P.S. I am somehow just now discovering that Mrs. Fuiru has a baking blog, so now I am developing plans to woo her and steal her from you so that she will bake me peanut butter and jelly cookies for all of time. AND WE WILL DRINK ALL THE EGGNOG.
A Friendly Memo to the Workmen Outside:
It’s fucking ten fucking thirty. Stop shitting about with arsedicking diggers and bollockcunting cement mixers and turn our motherfucking water back on, you shower of shits.
Presents!
Me: So I was thinking about what you've got me for Christmas.
Mrs Fuiru: Uh huh.
Me: And how you said my present was "something I need" and "not something to get all that excited about."
Mrs Fuiru: That is true.
Me: Well, I've been thinking about it and I think I know what you've got me.
Mrs Fuiru: Go on...
Me: You got me the Word of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Mrs Fuiru: Actually, no. I thought I'd spare you that this year.
Me: He does get a bit preachy.
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I hope you're all satisfied
Mrs Fuiru would like to make it known that she does not in any way condone my nog hating ways and that she stands firmly with the [evil] nog-lovers.
You people have created a rift in my marriage.
ronbailey replied to your post: TEAM “NOT FUCKING DRINKING RAW EGGS”
SEE PHIL? SEE? THIS IS WHY I DON’T FOLLOW YOU, NO MATTER WHAT THE TUMBLR RADAR SAYS
Sorry, I could you hear you over the sound of YOU INCREASING THE NOTES COUNT FOR THE ANTINOG CONTINGENT
TEAM "NOT FUCKING DRINKING RAW EGGS"
COSIGN
"Making my muffins festive"
TODAY'S HEADLINES 19th December 2011
bastardnews:
Free world shocked by loss of another hilarious, iredeemable pariah
“We’re fucked unless Gingrich becomes president” says expert
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Sigh.
When you make an effort for someone and they won’t do the same for you?
And when you know they won’t, but you maintain a small scintilla of hope that this time might be different?
And then you’re disappointed, and you knew you’d be disappointed but you allowed yourself to be taken in by the possibility of hope, and so you’re even more disappointed in yourself for...
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girl-detective asked: I was just talking with one of my best friends, who is from Surrey, and somehow we got into a discussion about how he compared to Ryan Reynolds, and he said it was no contest between them because "English guys will win out over Canadian guys every time." And I thought to myself, "Wow, that must work out really well for Phil, then."
Coffee shop
Me: I think I'm in a strange mood.
Me: I just saw the price list where it says "hot chocolate".
Me: And underneath that it says "white hot chocolate".
Me: And I thought "My God that must be very hot chocolate indeed".
Colleague: I don't think I'm going to get a muffin today.
The Office Christmas Lunch
Everyone meets at the reception in our office. We wait five minutes. Everyone shows up except the boss and our brittle coworker.
Ten minutes after the designated meeting time, boss shows up. Instructs everyone to go downstairs. He’ll wait for brittle coworker.
Five minutes after going downstairs, boss emerges from the elevator. Says brittle coworker is nowhere to be found. Brittle...
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120
Would have been a lot more if I’d done it a few years ago when I used to go to the pub six nights a week.
“That which can be asserted without evidence, can be dismissed without evidence.”
– The late Christopher Hitchens
Late Night Snack: RIP Christopher Hitchens
(via think4yourself)
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The Americans on Tumblr know more about...
I wouldn’t know the difference between a Skin and an Inbetweener and a Downtown Abbey if you held a gun to my head.
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Let’s put the “Happy” back in “Happy Christmas”
I’ve seen a few posts and news items in the last few years about people who say they want to put the ‘Christ’ back in ‘Christmas’. Hearing people say “Happy Holidays” offends them, so they’re making a point of wishing people a “Happy Christmas”.
Personally, as an atheist, hearing someone wish me a happy Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Chinese New Year does not offend me. If someone is sincere in their...
In which I draw a blank with a friend's new baby
Mrs Fuiru: Aw, he's adorable!
Friend: Thank you!
Mrs Fuiru: He really has your eyes!
Friend: That's what people keep telling me!
Mrs Fuiru: And your husband's nose, I think.
Friend: Yes, I agree.
Me: ...er...and he has your inability to discern stationary objects at a certain distance away from him?
Friend: ?
Mrs Fuiru: ?
Me: Sorry, I drew a blank.