March 2012
Draw Something
I joined. I’m Fuiru. Something tells me this is going to get old quick.
Edit: my first turn at guessing Richard’s drawing saw me guessing my own drawing. So the bug-ridden stories are pretty accurate, then.
February 2012
Collapsing Building Update
Area remains cordoned off. Many office workers blissfully unaware that the very ground they walk on could disintegrate at any moment. These progress reports aren’t going to photocopy themselves.
Now here’s Gordon with the weather.
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Favourite Part
Got to go an watch Mrs Fuiru have her ultrasound today. At one point the tiny creature on the screen was moving his arms about and the technician was like, “oh nice. He’s scratching his butt.”
THAT’S MY BOY*
*child may not actually be a boy
Off sick
Getting my arse kicked by mancold. Lying in bed watching Parks and Recreation on my iPad and thinking about opening the Community and IT Crowd box sets I got for my birthday.
Like a very congested boss.
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The Income Tax Act
Last night I posted a photograph of my current nemesis, the phonebook-sized Canadian Income Tax Act, a publication in which the phrase “multiply your answer by 1” can take up several pages with many more for additional historical and interpretive material.
However, that said, I won’t deny that there is a benefit to ploughing through this massive tome.
Indeed, much like the...
girl-detective asked: You may be learning all about their taxes...but can you do their accent? Do some Canadian for us, laddie!
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Birds
Colleague 1: You want to see a picture of my pet parakeet? Here. [Holds phone out, shows photo of bird with toy]
Colleague 2: That looks like a fun toy. I bet when you give your bird that toy he doesn't BUDGIE.
Me and Colleague 1: GROAN
Me: I CAN NARY believe you went there.
Colleagues 1 and 2: GROAN
Colleague 1: Did you know that the origin of the word 'budgerigar' is translated as "Good eating" in its original language?
Me: Makes sense. Hence the phrase 'My budgeregards to the chef'.
Colleagues 1 and 2: GROAN
Me: I don't know why I let you hang out with me, I really don't.
I am The Stig!: Musical Taste →
thesemicullen:
incognito-jewels:
If you had to describe your musical taste using words only (NO examples), how would you describe it?
I like dark, emo-ish but kinda sexy music, with a European sensibility. Not electronic music, but with electronic elements to it.
How’s about you?
…
A sleepless night in Stuttgart, with angles so obtuse they come at you from behind without your...
Graham's Report has not been Finished
Graham: Fuiru, did you finish that report yet?
Me: Tell me Graham, have you ever killed a man?
Graham: ...Because I really need it for...wait, what?
Me: Have you ever killed a man?
Graham: ...
Graham: I'm not sure I see the relevance of...
Me: Have you ever watched someone take their final breath, knowing that the last light hitting the photoreceptive cells in their heads will be the image of your face?
Graham: Look, I really...
Me: Have you ever stood there, looking on as the final flicker of consciousness leaves a person's face like water draining from a slightly blocked-up sink basin, knowing that their final thoughts where "Why? He was my best friend? Why?"
Graham: Please, I just....
Me: Have you ever held another man's throat with your hands and felt the feeling of complete control as you variate the pressure in your fingers and thumbs and FOR THAT SECOND YOU ARE GOD ALMIGHTY AND YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CONTROL WHAT EXISTS AND WHAT CEASES TO BE?
Graham: ...
Me: HAVE YOU, GRAHAM? HAVE YOU?
Graham: ...
Graham: ...No.
Me: Me neither.
Graham: ...
Me: And, no, I haven't finished your report.
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A Ridiculous Commercial
Last night I saw an advert on the television. It was for the unfathomably popular chocolate sweets called M&Ms.
In the advert, set at what looked like a terrible party, a bespectacled anthropomorphic female M&M, chatting with human women, was interrupted by a human male snickering at her, whereupon she explained that she gets that a lot as, being a brown-colour-coated M&M, people tend...
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My response to the aforementioned faux pas
“Excellent! We’d love to have your sister’s friend over. Make sure he knows that it’s vegan night (hopefully he likes chocolate mousse made with quinoa), we’ll be watching The Bachelor, and all of our conversations will revolve around Mrs Fuiru’s current pregnancy issues. He might want to look up the best remedies for second trimester hip and back pain.”
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Is this wrong?
So, say you have a weekly thing where a friend comes over for dinner every Monday. And the day before this particular Monday she mentions that her sister is in town, and she hopes it’s okay with you but she invited her sister to come along tomorrow. And then at midnight on Sunday you get a message saying that her sister has invited along the guy whose apartment she’s staying at.
Is it...
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Jokes
Me: What former professional wrestler is essential for pregnant women?
Mrs Fuiru: The Iron Sheik?
Me: That's actually a lot better than the punchline I made up. Let's leave it at that.
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Upcoming Tumblr Memes
After Tumblr’s recent inspiration-denecessatators such as “How I lost my virginity”, “The meaning behind my username” and “What my job is”, we’ve got the following exciting and fascinating memes to look forward to in the coming weeks:
The first person I killed
What my username means
Ego-Boosting Creepy-Married-Man-Comment-Eliciting...
Anonymous asked: soo I sent you a valentine's day e-card but it says you still didn't view it.. type in tumblrlinks[dót]cóm/?fuiru69 then sign up as ''fuiru69'' and view premium inbox
zarapaulhistory89 asked: Hey there - cool blog you got going! Hope you don't mind if I use some of your content later down the road, great stuff. New follower, can you please follow me back?
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Pizza Smile
As the delivery guy gave me my pizza, a subtle yet noticeable smile crossed his lips. As I closed the door and walked up the stairs to my apartment, I thought of what that smile could mean.
That man, I thought, is obviously a man who loves his job. And why shouldn’t he? He provides pizza. He brings the very essence of deliciousness to people’s houses. Of course he should smile! Look...
Missed Connections
I was dreaming when I wrote this. You were forgiving me if it went astray. What did we put in that pizza?
Today was gonna be the day they were gonna throw it back to you. Did they throw it back to you? If so, could you please give it back, my sister needs it to breathe.
You say I only hear what I want to. And you say I talk so all the time. My glasses were cool, weren’t they? Call me.
I...
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What Goes on
As I stood in the dock I felt those familiar eyes on me, their disapproving glare trying not very hard at all to conceal their contempt. “Well?” she asked. “What do you have to say for yourself?”
I swallowed, the dryness of my mouth creating an obvious bob in my adam’s apple that would be taken by all present in the courtroom and watching at home as a sign of my...
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The Sun and the Human Rights Act
Today “journalists” at Rupert Murdoch’s Sun newspaper in England contacted their union to see if the current internal investigation into their workplace could be halted. Their belief is that it goes against the European Human Rights Act, and the Sun employees have requested that a leading human rights lawyer look into their situation and whether the Human Rights Act can be used...
The Motherlode
“Holy shit,” I said. “It’s the motherlode.”
“What’s that?” my coworker asked from the next cubicle. His head appeared over the top of our dividing wall.
“You know that top secret project I’ve been working on for the last six months?” I asked him. “Well, it’s about to pay off. Big time.”
“Really? So you can...
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“Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right.”
– Ricky Gervais (via sirmitchell)
Equally, just because you’re offensive, doesn’t mean you’re funny.
I'm a finance assistant
Or “Accountant Monkey”.
I process expense claims, calculate our sales tax payments, generate reports, stare at Excel, wonder why this reconciling number and that reconciling number (which should be the same number) are not the same number because they really ought to be the same number and if they’re not the same number then one of them is the incorrect number but which one?...
I was just Dutch-Revolving-Doored
Like a Dutch Oven, but done while entering a building.
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catty1 replied to your post: Today is the worst day ever
you have two shoe horns? Wait. You have two FAVORITE shoe horns? Which implies that you have others that you don’t like too much … is your shoe horn also a back scratcher?
There are several things a true gentleman should own. A shoe horn is one of them. Other things include:
Cufflinks
An inquiring mind
A work of historical non-fiction...
Today is the worst day ever
This morning I broke my favourite shoe horn.
This means I have to look for and find my second favourite shoe horn.
And if I can’t find my second favourite shoe horn, I’ll have to start untying my shoelaces when I come home from work, like some substratan oik.
TorontUp: TWEETUMBLUP IN TORONTO! Saturday, June... →
torontup:
Come to Toronto! See Toronto stuff! Meet Toronto people! Drink Toronto drinks! Stare at Canadians! They probably won’t have a gun. If you’re already from Toronto or Canada, some of this stuff won’t be as exciting. I’m sorry.
There are two Jays games that weekend, and NXNE is on, so there should…
!!!
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD IT WAS A COLD DAY, OKAY?
Jesus, people. Every damn time.
Who would play me...
Andrew Lincoln, he of The Walking Dead/Teachers/Love Actually fame.
“When it emerged that her father was a website domain name millionaire who had...”
– Barry Divola on Lana Del Rey: Crowned, criticised and now cancelled | The Age
Good onya, Baz. This is a great piece.
(via clambistro)
THE LAUGHING GNOME IS A FUCKING MASTERPIECE! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU!
A story
A man I used to work for was once telling me about his love of golf. His adoration for the pseudo-sport was that of a man in the throes of a late-middle-aged new love affair.
“When you’re playing golf,” he told me, “you’re not playing against your opponent.”
He paused, possibly fearing that taking in too much of his wisdom at once would somehow addle my...
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TT
I’m turning into something new. Something strange to me. I’m becoming something that I never gave much thought to because it just never came up. I can feel it happening, and I notice the changes in my behaviour, and I don’t know if I can do anything to stop it.
I’m turning into the dreaded Overprotective Husband of a Pregnant Woman.
It manifests itself several ways that I...
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1980s Quiz
Do you consider yourself a child of the 80s? An adolescent of the 80s? Some other 80s dependant? Try my quiz and see how much you really remember about the decade that came before the 90s (and after the 70s)! (Answers below)
In the 1980s, what was “strong and sudden, and cruel sometimes”?
Who was “talking away; I don’t know what to say, I’ll say it anyway”?
...