This is the Tork Foam Soap Automatic Touch-Free Dispenser. I recently became acquainted with this piece of equipment when hundreds of them were installed in my office building, across all the washrooms in all the floors.
I am not a fan.
The Tork Foam Soap Automatic Touch-Free Dispenser, or TFSATFD, is a bloated, malodorous pustule on the wall of every sink proximity. It is a useless glossop-spurting whirr-twat of a machine.
If you put your hand under the TFSATFD, no soap emerges. If you wave your hand in space between TFSATFD and bathroom counter surface, you will receive no soap. It is like waving your hand at the entrance to a den of frightened chipmunks. They will not be attracted by your beckoning. The soap is scared of you. Do not signal for it to follow. It will not come.
Approximately twenty seconds after you put your hand under the dispenser, after you have bent down to make sure you are breaking the invisible motion detector seal, after you have given up and rinsed your soap-free hands under the water and then dried them with a single-use paper towel, at that point, THAT is when the soap will come out.
The soap will come out, and it will hit the countertop, forming a little foam pile with the other belated sanitary gloop from handwashings previous.
We used to have little wall-mounted hand pumps of soap. We pushed with our hands and the soap came out and we had soap in our hands and we rejoiced and reveled and rubbed our hands together under the tepid tapwater and we were happy because we were doing our antibacterial best to prevent office sickness and the spread of disease.
We were happy because we had a mentally pleasing understanding of cause and effect, that we were pressing the button, and that soap was emerging. We were effecting change on our environment, and we felt in control. We pushed, and we received, and we pushed, and we received, and we were Gods, we were creators, we had soapy bubble fingers, we rinsed and we dried and we were happy.
Now we have no control. Now we have delayed-by-twenty-seconds foam. We are no longer experiencing mastery of our surroundings. We are now helpless, nothing we do has any meaning, our lives have no meaning, no meaning and no soap, no soap and no point. Morale is low.
I hate you, Tork Foam Soap Automatic Touch-Free Dispenser. I hate you.