Ex-Tabula Rasa

Political Candidates Claim City Should be Run Like Things They are Familiar With

Placeville, Stateonia

Political candidate Arnold Wifeappreciation has announced that his electoral platform will be based on running the city “like a business.” The businessman, who has many years’ experience running businesses, insisted that, like a business, the city should be held to account with the same series of checks and balances in order to keep the city solvent. Also, in the same businesslike manner, the candidate announced that he would hold annual general meetings for city residents and make moving to the city “as easy as logging into a share trading website.”

Wifeappreciation’s opponent, Gordon Woeisme, ridiculed the businessman’s claims. “As elected representative of this city,” he said in a speech while standing on a table, “I shall run this city like a lighthouse.” The former lighthouse keeper, who has many years of running lighthouses under his belt, went on to say that the city should act as a beacon to any nearby ships, preventing them from running aground on the rocky hilltops, schools or shopping precincts.

A third candidate, Eric Intercourse, insisted that the best way forward for the city would be to run it like a pornographic film. The pornographer, who has directed more than three hundred skin flicks, said yesterday: “What this city needs is a unlikely event to set off carnal activities with a tiny amount of foreplay leading to a prolonged and romantically unrealistic penetrative sex act ultimately culminating in a mutual orgasm for all residents.”

In related news, Barbara Megadeth announced the end of her candidacy due to lack of public support. Her platform had involved running the city as if it was a major urban connurbation consisting of people, buildings and services, where people live and work and enjoy recreational time. Her policies were roundly dismissed by commentators as “not very realistic.”