Ex-Tabula Rasa

I steer the conversation during our coffee break

• Me: You know when you put your access card in your back pocket and you wave your arse at the card reader and the door opens automatically and you're like, "yes! Arse-powered exit!"
• Coworker 1: Uh huh?
• Me: And you know how they now have those touch-screen self-service machines in Tim Hortons?
• Coworker 2: Uh huh?
• Me: Do you think it would ever be possible to order a coffee using nothing but the power of your own arse?
• Coworker 1: ...
• Coworker 2: You'd need to have pretty powerful butt-muscles.
• Me: And you couldn't have a really flat arse. You'd need a bit of a sticking-out arse, otherwise you'd be pressing all the buttons on the screen like when Homer was obese and he tried to use the phone.
• Coworker 2: "Your butt is too fat. To order a special butt pointer, randomly hammer the screen with your butt."
• Coworker 1: This is pretty gross, you guys.
• Coworker 2: Not really...at least your butt is covered up. People can do worse things with their fingers.
• Me: You could be using the touch screen self-service machine after someone who just picked their arse.
• Coworker 2: That would be bad.
• Everyone: ...
• Coworker 1: You know what my favourite British comedy film of the last 25 years is?
• Me: Death at the Funeral?
• Coworker 1: Holy shit.
• Coworker 2: You scare me sometimes.
• Me: I scare myself.