Ex-Tabula Rasa

Pythagoras

Today Mrs Fuiru had a Professional Development day. Professional Development days are when teachers agree in advance that they will be really sick of their students and decide to all take a day off together and pretend that they’re advancing their skills. Most spend their time recovering from the night before.

I took today off as a vacation day and rented a Uhaul cargo van. Together Mrs Fuiru and I went to Ikea, where we bought a bunch of new furniture that we’ve needed for a while. Then we went to Costco, and did our semi-annual toilet-paper purchase.

The back door to our cargo van was, according to the Uhaul website, several inches shorter than the width of the bed we needed to purchase today. No matter, we used Pythagoras for the first time outside a maths class and worked out that when angled on the diagonal, the bed would fit.

Let me make an accusation here. Someone is full of shit. It’s either Uhaul, Ikea or Pythagoras. I’m blaming the dead Greek.

The bed was supposed to be 5 inches shorter than the hypotenuse of the van doors. Was it fuck. Length squared plus width squared all square rooted was LIES. It was LIES and it was full of NOT TRUE and somehow we got the bed into the van but once we filled the rest of the van with toilet paper and vats of mayonnaise and took the whole thing home, our bed would not come out.

Have you ever spent forty minutes pushing and pulling a mattress and pulling and pushing that mattress and angling and pushing that mattress and have it not come out of a uhaul van? Because that shit is EXHAUSTING. And now I’m drunk. But that’s by the by.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate driving vans? What’s the point of a vehicle with no rear-view mirror? Fuck that shit. Once when I had to deliver boxes of wine to country clubs I accidentally backed into a Lexus in a golf club car park. Today I almost backed into a man trying to change the oil of his Ford Taurus in a gas station forecourt. Bloody vans.

Bloody Pythagoras. It’s all his bloody fault.