Ex-Tabula Rasa

5ive things

• I recently discovered that the only TV show my wife and her brother were not allowed to watch as children was Scooby-Doo. This was because my father-in-law found the show’s opening credits depiction of ACTUAL GHOSTS compared with the revelation of GHOSTLY FAKERY at the end of each show to be morally indefensible.

• My unborn son/daughter already hates me, as he/she stops kicking/hitting/headbutting my wife’s insides as soon as I put my hand on her stomach to feel it. The only time I feel interior thwackage is when my wife is cuddling me in bed and the baby kicks my ass.

• Whenever I’m asked to throw my hands in the air and wave them like I just don’t care, I get confused by the implication that I actually do care. I don’t care. I’m not waving them like I don’t care, I actually don’t care. I am apathetic to the situation. This means that paranoia sets in…why don’t I care? Is my lack of concern over hand waving an issue? Could it get me in trouble later? Am I being too casual in my hand-waving? Argh!

• I hope that one day search engines have improved so I can type in “What is the cause of canker sores AND ONLY SHOW ME SITES THAT DO NOT CONTAIN PICTURES OF CANKER SORES BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE I DO NOT NEED TO SEE PICTURES OF CANKERS THEY’RE DISGUSTING I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE CAUSED BY”

• There are two other people in my company with the same name as me, whom I will call Fuiru 2 and Fuiru 3. I recently set up a Gmail account and started sending messages of illicit love to Fuiru 2 from someone who is having an affair with (and wrongly assumes their mail is going to) Fuiru 3. So far Fuiru 2 has not let on that the emails are going to the wrong person and so is carrying on an affair with someone whom he thinks believes to be carrying on an affair with a different person but with the same name. I am hoping that in some time I can arrange for an illicit rendezvous to which only Fuiru 2 and Fuiru 3 show up. Eventually I would like Fuirus 2 and 3 to marry.