Ex-Tabula Rasa

Husband to a Pregnant Wife

Coworker 1: “Hi! How are you?”

Me: “Not too bad, th-“

Coworker 1: “Great! How’s your wife doing? Is everything okay with the baby?”

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Coworker 2: “Hi! How are you?”

Me: “Well, I-“

Coworker 2: “Great! How’s your wife doing? Is everything okay with the baby?”

-

Coworker 3: “Hi! How are you?”

Me: “My leg fell off yesterday, and the doctors replaced it with the first thing they could find, which was thirty jars of Marmite glued one on top of the other. I can’t bend my new leg, as they decided against making any of the jars function as a knee. I tripped on a tree stump on the way to work, and my foot smashed, and now I smell like the burnt remains on the bottom of a roasting pan after cooking a beef joint. Dogs are chasing me, trying to eat the contents of my foot, and half the population of England loves me, while the other half, plus the rest of the world, can’t stand me. Australians consider me inferior to Vegemite. Trousers don’t fit, because one of my legs is a leg, and the other is a bunch of jars on top of each other. For that reason I decided to wear a skirt, and now the American right wing considers me a terrorist. Fox News called me “The Marmite Anarchist” and Mitt Romney pledged to drone-attack my face if he becomes president.”

Coworker 3: “Great! How’s your wife doing? Is everything okay with the baby?”