Ex-Tabula Rasa

The conversation became sinister, then slapstick

We were discussing the new big cheese in the company who started last week and has the same name as me. I commented that after less than a week of shared-space name-duplication I had already received many emails intended for Other Me.

“They just start to type my name in Outlook,” I said. “They’ve never entered the other guy’s name before, so mine shows up and they just hit ‘enter’, thinking I’m him.”

My friend told me I should do something about it. Another chum said I should ask IT for suggestions. I nodded sadly.

“I think there’s really only one thing I can do,” I said. “I have to defeat him in battle and chop his head off. That way I’ll gain all his skills and power.”

Most of the others just looked confused, but thankfully one of my friends is familiar with the Highlander franchise and agreed.

“And then you’ll get both email addresses,” he noted.

A third friend took the ball and ran. I’m not sure where he intended to run, but he came up with this:

“If you’re worried about getting into trouble for chopping his head off, you can hollow out his head and wear it over your own head like a balaclava. Then nobody will know you killed him.”

“Won’t people wonder where I’ve gone, though?” I pointed out.

“No, you’ll just take his head off and it’ll be you again.”

I thought about it.

“This has quite the potential for all sorts of Mrs Doubtfire-esque shenanigans,” I said. “What if we’re both scheduled to be in meetings at the same time?”

“Or in the same meeting?” someone else asked.

“I’d have to be, like, ‘hey, it’s me, original Phil! I just saw new Phil in the corridor earlier, he said he was going to be late. Oh, I have to go to the bathroom! Please excuse me!’ Then I’d go out and put the dead Phil’s head on and go back in. ‘Hey, it’s me, new Phil! Where’s original Phil? I’ll go and look for him,’ etc etc. Could be awkward, but it might work.”

So, anyway, long story short: I need a really sharp sword.