Ex-Tabula Rasa

Holy shit, Larabars are fucking insane

Have you ever had one? They’re like energy bars only they’ve somehow managed to shove eight energy bars into one energy bar. It’s like they’ve made an energy bar collapse in on itself until it becomes a super dense energy black hole and then they put a wrapper around it and sell it in boxes in Costco and you get a box thinking it’s just granola bars like Natures Path or something but when you have one it’s like you feel like you’ve just eaten your own stomach. I finished eating it half an hour ago but I feel like I’m still eating it. I think I’ll be eating it forever.

I looked at the ingredients list on my Larabar wrapper and it had two items:

• Dates
• Everything

I’m too scared to look at the nutritional information on my Larabar wrapper because I’m pretty sure I just ate my own weight in dates but it was somehow crammed into a block the size of a baby’s arm. Chewing a Larabar is like the jaw equivalent of bench-pressing a small Caribbean island. Since eating it I’ve started talking like Kanye West when his mouth was wired shut.

I think my own tongue is afraid of me.

As a science experiment I’m going to eat two Larabars tomorrow and test how long a human being can survive while completely unable to poop.