Ex-Tabula Rasa

Five Things for Friday

Fri, 24 May 2013 17:02:11 -0400

Audrey had her first encounter with (minor) illness a few weeks ago. I didn’t write about it because I wasn’t in a writing mood. Nothing serious, cleared up with antibiotics, but still. It’s all fairly terrifying when it starts because it’s a New Thing That Has Never Happened Before and there’s frantic argh-run-this-way-and-that-ing and headlesschickening of all sorts and Mah Bebbeh! Mah Bebbeh! and so on. The worst thing, I think, is that you baby stops being the person you know, instead she’s this little interloper who no longer smiles. That, and the fact that she vomited on my favourite shirt and apparently baby vomit is some kind of bleaching agent. Oh, and the sleep, or lack thereof.

Audrey’s poorliness happened when we were visiting my in-laws in Ottawa for a weekend, and we decided that driving back to Toronto wouldn’t be good for her, so she and Mrs Fuiru stayed and I got the train back so I could go to work, returning the following weekend to drive everyone back home. I often wondered what I’d do if I had some time to myself in the apartment. The answer is ‘schoolwork,’ ‘eat badly,’ and ‘miss my wife and daughter like the Dickens.’

My current accounting course finishes next month, then I have a few months off. I’m thinking I may use that time to restart some old writing projects. Either that or look at nice watches on the Christies Auctioneers iPad app, one or the other.

When I get the Facebook message saying that one of my friends is now friends with some other person (that I don’t know and probably never will), I have to resist the urge to comment on it, saying something like “FINALLY! I thought you two would never hit it off!” or “My God! James, how do you and Elizabeth know each other? After all these years, I had no idea the two of you wait a minute, you’re not the Elizabeth I know, she has a tattoo of an otter on her neck sorry whoops”

We just got Netflix for the first time. I came in from studying after my wife logged in for the first time and she was watching a documentary on porn stars. I expressed surprise as I thought she was going to watch a documentary on babies instead. “Oh,” she said, “I figured you’d want to watch that as well so I didn’t start it because you were busy. So I’m watching this one about porn stars instead.” Then we watched the documentary on babies, because apparently there’s this pool of hormones in my brain that fatherhood unplugged and now I watch documentaries on babies instead of ones about boobs.

It’s nice to see Tara Reid’s career is going places...

Fri, 24 May 2013 12:31:27 -0400

It’s nice to see Tara Reid’s career is going places again.

On the Video Allegedly Showing Toronto Mayor Rob Ford Allegedly Smoking Crack with a Bunch of Toronto Drug Dealing Hoodlums

Wed, 22 May 2013 12:58:48 -0400

I know this is old news, but I was at my in-laws’ cottage over the weekend and just got back. I’m catching up.

So, Rob Ford, the guy who found himself as mayor of Toronto due to an extremely odd rule allowing people who don’t live in Toronto to vote for Toronto’s mayor, has apparently been videotaped smoking crack, calling the newly-elected Liberal Party leader a “Fag” and referring to the football team he coaches (and skips sessions to do so) as “mostly fucking immigrants.”

Some have called for Ford’s removal from office, while others have stated that he must address the allegations. Even his supporters have complained that there is too much of a distracting sideshow around the portly, ruddy-faced nincompoop.

However, I disagree. I think he should keep quiet, and I think removing him from office would be a terrible mistake. Here’s why.

Not too long after his election, Ford was seen numerous times driving to his home in not-Toronto, reading official documents while on the highway. Some said he should be chastised, but his response was basically to say “Ha ha you all said I was so stupid I couldn’t read and now look at me reading and driving at the same time.”

During a conflict of interest case which Ford lost but later won on appeal, it was determined that Ford was unaware that his actions were a conflict of interest because he hadn’t read the ‘code of conduct for public servants’ book. Some wrong-headed people claimed that not knowing how to do one’s job should be a reason for removing that person from their job. But Ford stayed.

At a party a few months ago, Rob Ford is alleged to have made inappropriate comments to a former political opponent and apparently touched her bottom. Ford denied the allegations, saying something probably idiotic that nobody heard as it was washed out in a tidal wave of forehead sweat. He did not lose his job.

Then, a little while ago, it was revealed that the mayor of Toronto was asked to leave an official dinner for retired soldiers after appearing inebriated. Some “insiders” made off-the-record comments about a possible drinking problem and a refusal to go to rehab, which Rob denied. He remained mayor of the largest city in Canada.

Now, Rob Ford is apparently on tape smoking crack with drug dealers.

I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure if we let him stay in office, it’s only a matter of months before he’s caught on camera murdering an aide while anally penetrating a midget dressed as Hitler, all the while singing “That Don’t Impress me Much” by Shania Twain and kicking a dog.

Please, let’s make this dream a reality. Let’s keep Rob Ford in office.

Dominion, and Seaside and Dark Ages expansions. It’s going...

Mon, 20 May 2013 19:58:08 -0400

Dominion, and Seaside and Dark Ages expansions. It’s going to be a good night.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Colin. Now say goodbye to Colin. We...

Thu, 16 May 2013 19:19:46 -0400

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Colin. Now say goodbye to Colin. We bury him tomorrow.

Someone having a discussion at another desk nearby just said “Phenomenal” and I...

Tue, 14 May 2013 14:52:16 -0400

Someone having a discussion at another desk nearby just said “Phenomenal” and I instinctively went “Du dooooo dududu”

TT

Tue, 14 May 2013 13:14:56 -0400

You ever have a thing where all your friends recommend a restaurant to you and they tell you it’s not just good, it’s the best restaurant they’ve ever eaten at, the steak is sublime, the desserts decadent, the cocktail menu comprehensive and the sommelier practically a mind-reader in his wine recommendations? You HAVE to go there, it’s the best meal you’ll have ever eaten, it will change your life.

So you go and you eat at the restaurant and the food isn’t bad. Not outstanding, but good. You’d go again. Not the next day, but some time.

But your friends, confused at how you didn’t have a life-changing spontaneous orgasm when the first mouthfuls of foie gras passed your lips, insist that there must have been a problem with the restaurant that night because it’s the best restaurant in the world and my god their loins moisten just thinking about it.

So you go again and you find the food to be not bad again.

Then the restaurant debuts a new Summer Menu and all your friends are raving about the new summer menu and the chick peas! Oh GOD THE CHICK PEAS and you can’t have a conversation with your friend without someone mentioning the restaurant and you give it another try and it’s still okay, it’s good, it’s tasty, but you can’t understand why it’s the be-all and end-all of food.

And the problem is that every time your friends (and now, later, your family) go on about the restaurant (OH SHIT THE FALL MENU HAS COUSCOUS) you start to wonder if there’s something actually wrong with you, why aren’t you enjoying this food as much as everyone else? Are you taste buds faulty?

But no, they can’t be, you made that dinner for them a few weeks ago and everyone really liked it, they had seconds and everything. And any other time they recommend stuff to you, it’s usually exactly as they say it is. It’s just in this one specific case you’re out of touch with everyone.

And remember, you don’t dislike the place, you enjoyed your meal, you just didn’t black out and hallucinate that you were zooming through the vast reaches of your own mind when you ate the Steak Tartare. But each time you hear someone talk about this restaurant and how utterly amazing it is you’re pushed further and further into a seething bucket of resentment that whatever it is about this restaurant people like, you seem unable to get. You’re the last person not laughing at the joke and you hate it. You start to hate it. You start to actively rankle at each time someone mentions they went to the restaurant because you feel like they’re in on some joke that everyone else is actively excluding you from. You’ve gone from mild enjoyment to complete animosity and it’s not the restaurant’s fault, it’s not your friends’ fault, it’s your own fault because your brain can’t cope with being out of whack with what seems like the rest of the planet.

So you try to avoid all mention of the restaurant (let’s say for the sake of argument, the restaurant was founded by an American music video producer, a German b-movie director and a Dancing With the Stars dancer-turned-actress, and is called Hype, Boll and a Hough). But then it releases a new menu and you start going crazy again and you want to move to a new city.

Do you ever get that?

You know, you may scoff at this, but despite what people say

Tue, 14 May 2013 10:36:39 -0400

Working full time, studying the equivalent of a full-time course and raising a ten-month-old really isn’t much of a walk in the park.

nevver: Wake up R P

Tue, 14 May 2013 10:29:31 -0400

nevver:

Wake up

R P

I am a goat In a moat With a boat

Mon, 13 May 2013 23:02:45 -0400

I am a goat

In a moat

With a boat

Monday.

Mon, 13 May 2013 08:58:42 -0400

Monday.

My Saturday

Sat, 11 May 2013 21:15:04 -0400

Awake and up since teething baby woke up at 5:45? Check.

A grand total of an hour and fifteen minutes of naps from teething baby? Check.

Teething baby being extra clingy to her Daddy? Check.

Daddy welcoming baby’s clingyness because he misses her during the working week and he has two accounting case study essays to write before Wednesday and he’s putting them off? Check.

And that’s why I’m spending my Saturday night writing about the liquidity ratios of imaginary Ontarian furniture suppliers while my wife drinks beer and plays Japanese RPGs in the next room.

pocketcontents: liberalsarecool: College Republican meme. The...

Thu, 09 May 2013 20:50:31 -0400

pocketcontents:

liberalsarecool:

College Republican meme.

The entire idea that we shouldn’t create laws because criminals don’t adhere to them is ludicrous. See also: anarchy.

Can I just call a time out here to complain about something? Okay, I’ve seen arguments in this form quite a bit on Tumblr and Facebook recently, both espousing liberal and conservative viewpoints on a bunch of different topics (not just gun control/abortion), and they piss me right off.

Arguments like this basically boil down to “If you believe [Thing believed by people on the opposite side of the political spectrum] but not [Parallel thing believed by people on my side of the political spectrum] then you’re a hypocrite because these things are logically equivalent.”

So what’s the problem? The problem is you’re laughing at people for believing A but not B when (in your eyes) they’re logically equivalent. But you believe B but not A. And according to your argument, they’re logically equivalent. Congratulations, you’ve undermined your whole argument.

Take the example above. Replace the grinning republican with a stereotypical hippie. Switch captions around, leaving “Doesn’t believe” at the top. Typical Leftist Commies! Don’t believe outlawing abortions will stop abortion, but believe outlawing guns will stop gun violence! Tee hee! What idiots!

Long story short: If your argument consists of two independent sentences, and reversing the order of those two sentences proves your political opponents’ point, then it’s not a very good argument.

Scene: My wife kisses our baby as she lies on a bed

Thu, 09 May 2013 20:30:35 -0400

Audrey: Giggles

My wife: Laughs

Audrey: Laughs

Me: Laughs

Audrey: Laughs

My wife: Laughs

Audrey: Laughs

Me: Laughs

My wife: What are we laughing at?

Audrey: Pause

Me: Pause

Audrey: Giggle and fart at the same time

Me and my wife: Sudden hysterical laughter at giggletoot

Audrey: Pause

Audrey: Shocked sobbing

Haven’t done a GPOYW in a while.

Wed, 08 May 2013 10:13:51 -0400

Haven’t done a GPOYW in a while.

‘I Luv the Valley OH’ by Xiu XiuIs this my favourite song in...

Mon, 06 May 2013 21:50:16 -0400

‘I Luv the Valley OH’ by Xiu Xiu
Is this my favourite song in which the singer claims to have a beehive in his arse? Yes. Yes it is. Arsebees.

I Think Academic Papers Should be Written in the Same Style as Cracked or Buzzfeed Articles

Mon, 06 May 2013 15:15:19 -0400

24 Incredible Phenotypes that You Won’t Believe can Lead to a Potential Increase in Tolerance to Airborne Toxicants
5 Mind-Blowing Consequences of Leibniz’s Attempt to Reconcile a Deterministic God with Human Free Will
14 Insane Antecedents to the Persian Expedition of Catherine the Great in 1796
8 Utterly Unfathomable Correlations Between the Use of Energy-Saving Technologies and Uncertainty in Residential Markets
A Critical Analysis of Responses to Gilbert and Wilson’s Stance on Affective Forecasting in the Form of 48 gifs of Small Animals Falling off Things

sparklytastic: Oh hello there. Can I talk with you about our...

Fri, 03 May 2013 11:10:54 -0400

sparklytastic:

Oh hello there. Can I talk with you about our lord and savior, Mother H. Goose?

This duck has a horse’s head for a beak.

screenshotsofdespair: via joanwatson

Thu, 02 May 2013 22:58:02 -0400

screenshotsofdespair:

via joanwatson

I just spent about an hour watching this.

Thu, 02 May 2013 22:51:42 -0400

I just spent about an hour watching this.