Ex-Tabula Rasa

Pardon me while I blow your mind.

So there’s this TV series, right? Okay. And of the main characters is a young woman whose job involves waiting on other people. And she falls for this broodingly handsome guy who is much older than her. But their love does not always go to plan because he has a dark and murky past that forces him to keep secrets and go off on mysterious errands without telling her why, all presumably for her own good. And a nasty woman from his distant past occasionally comes back and makes things even more complicated.

“Hold up, Fuiru,” you say, “why are you talking about True Blood? The next season doesn’t start for ages!”

But I’m not talking about Sookeh and Bill Compton, oh no. I’m talking about Anna and Mister Bates in Downton Abbey. Boom. I just blew your mind.

And we can take it further. Oh yes.

A handsome young man falls for an attractive and mysterious girl whose ultimate intent is to bring the young man into her family and make him one of their own: Am I describing Jason Stackhouse and Crystal’s Werepanther clan, or Matthew Crawley and Mary’s upper class family? Good question.

A gay guy and his sass-talking co-worker plan the downfall of their other co-worker and her mysterious, brooding new beau. Lafayette and Tara, right? Wrong. O’Brien and William.

While having sex, a girl discovers that her partner in conjugal efforts is dead. Yeah, that could describe just about everyone in True Blood who boffs a vampire, but I’m actually talking about Mary and the Turkish diplomat.

So what exactly am I getting at? This: Downton Abbey is just a British version of True Blood, set in World War 1 and with fewer breasts. They’re basically the same show, but one’s got a bunch of pasty, unhealthily white-skinned sexual deviants, and the other’s got vampires.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering who Eric is? It’s Molesley.

Downton Abbey: Season 3 Episode 1

Scene 1

INTERIOR, LIBRARY: A tour guide in his early 20s leads a group of children through Downton Abbey’s large library. With one or two exceptions, the children all look down at mobile phones and portable gaming devices. A pair of adults (presumably teachers) follow on behind.

TOUR GUIDE: As you can see, the library remains in an excellent state of preservation. Some of these books are more than one hundred years old.

TEACHER (Trying to stir up some kind of interest in his students): Is it possible that this library was ever the scene of some kind of intrigue? A visit from some old face from a forgotten past, perhaps? Scandalous liaisons? That kind of thing?

TOUR GUIDE: Probably not, no. This is where people read books and wrote letters.

TEACHER: Oh.

Scene 2

INTERIOR, STAFF ROOM: Three tour guides sit around a long table. One (female) is reading a paperback copy of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Another (male) is smoking a cigarette and absent-mindedly flicking through a tabloid newspaper. The third is drinking a cup of tea.

Tour Guide 3: I just know there’s more to life than this, you know? I can’t believe I was destined for a life of drudgery, showing uninterested kids around a big old mansion, telling them about old tapestries and the like.

Tour Guide 1: Oh aye? Got delusions of grandeur have we?

Tour Guide 3: Aye. One day…one day…one day I’ll be working in the front office. Tour guide? Pah! I’ll be an administrative assistant to the chief curator, that’s what I’ll be!

Tour Guide 1: Dream on, William.

Tour Guide 3: Just you wait. Things around here are going to change.

Tour Guide 2 (Referring to tabloid newspaper in front of him): Look at the knockers on her. Oof.

Scene 3

INTERIOR, OFFICE: The Chief Curator and his administrative assistant look at a pile of papers.

Chief Curator: I think someone has been stealing our brochures, Margaret.

Administrative Assistant: But…but who?

Chief Curator (Looking out of the window with a dark glint in his eyes): Oh, I think I have an idea.

Truthful something

Mrs Fuiru got the Downton Abbey DVDs on the weekend for her birthday. We watched the first few episodes together.

Man, that is good shit. Fucked up shit, but good shit. Hilarious shit.

I came into it thinking it would be all po-faced household drama, but there’s more slapstick nonsense in that show than effing Laurel and Hardy repairing ladders in a ball-bearing factory.

There’s this one bit where a woman kicks out this guy’s cane from under him and he falls flat on his face in front of a visiting dignitary and everyone’s like “Ooh, Bates [his name is Bates! Like, could you get more funny than that?], you just ruined Christmas!”

Then there’s this other bit where someone dies in the middle of sex and everyone has to move him around the place and it is JUST LIKE WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S 2.

And then there’s a bit where this dizzy serving girl is given poison in one dish and something “that’s supposed to be put on the chicken” in another dish. Can you guess what happens? If you guessed complete and utter tragedy, think again. If you guess comedic genius, keep reading.

And Dame Maggie Smith (I got a bit annoyed because it just says “Maggie Smith” in the credits because GODDAMMIT she’s A FUCKING DAME) is hilarious because you know she can turn into a cat and she wears massive hats all the time. Each time I see her she’s wearing an even bigger hat and I reckon by episode six her hat will be so big that there’ll be a minor subplot in which the cast of Midsomer Murders are hiding in her headwear, staging detective mysteries.

Holy shit, Downton Abbey is brilliant. I can see why everyone likes it.