Ex-Tabula Rasa

The Judgement of Solomon

From 1 Kings 3: Two Harlots are arguing over a baby boy, each asserting that the child is theirs and that the other woman accidentally killed her own son and is lying about it.

(23) Then said the king: ‘The one saith: This is my son that liveth, and thy son is the dead; and the other saith: Nay; but thy son is the dead, and my son is the living.’

(24) And the king said: ‘Fetch me a sword.’ And they brought a sword before the king.

(25) And the king said: ‘I shall divide the living child in two, and give half to the one, and half to the other.’

(26) Then spoke one woman, ‘Yes, this seems like an acceptable solution.’

(27) And the other woman agreed, saying, ‘Indeed, this is most equitable. King Solomon you truly are as wise as they say in the Bible.’

(28) Then the King was like, ‘are you sure, I’m totally going to cut the child in half and then it won’t really be much use to either of you, to be honest. It’s not like with a cake or a pizza where you can share it 50/50, it’s going to be a bit of a mess, all told.’

(29) But both women understood that their King was most wise and concurred that this was the only solution to their quandary.

(30) So King Solomon lifted his sword high above his head, and paused, before saying, ’You’re totally sure? You really want me to cut him in half? I’ll totally do it, don’t think I won’t.’ But the women were like, ‘Totally, whatevs, just do it already.’

(31) And so again the King held the sword aloft, shaking, before stopping himself. He said to the women, ‘I’m going to level with you here, I was pretty sure if I threatened to cut the baby in half one of you would be upset and then I’d know that she was the true parent. I was bloody convinced that’d work - bloody convinced - but now I’m beginning to think you’re both a bit odd.’

(32) Thenceforth the King lost his nerve and decided to grant joint custody to the women, with each getting him for a week at a time. And the women were happy and left.

(33) Next, two men came before King Solomon with a large pizza, and Solomon told the bloke who was taking his sword away not to be so fast, he might need it after all.

This is why Isaac’s Friends Never Come Over

“Dad! I’m going out!”

Abraham came to the front door, absent-mindedly drying a glass with a tea towel. His son and his son’s mate Tony were about to leave. He nodded hello to Tony, who nodded back.

“Where are you going?” Abraham asked his son.

“Out. Nowhere in particular. Just hanging out. Here, there. Wherever.” Isaac shrugged.

“When will you be back? You’ve got school tomorrow.”

“No idea. I’ll be back when I get back.”

“It’s a school night. Be back by 10:00.”

“No way Dad! That’s not fair.”

“Why is it not fair? Kids your age always have a curfew.” Abraham turned to Tony. “Tony, your parents have given you a curfew, right?”

Tony looked embarrassed and said that his folks wanted him home by ten. Abraham turned back to Isaac and gave a look of smug victory. Isaac turned to his friend.

“Tony, I think I know the answer to this question but I’m going to ask it anyway. Have your parents ever come *this* close to sacrificing you on top of a mountain?”

“Oh, here we go,” Abraham said with a pained look, “not this again.”

“No, no, I think it needs to be asked. Tony, have one or both of your parents ever taken you to the top of a mountain, tied you up and then got out a big bloody knife to slit your throat only to be stopped at the last minute by a celestial being?”

Tony shuffled awkwardly in the doorway. “Not to my knowledge, no.”

“And wouldn’t you agree that anyone who did put his own offspring through such an event really has no right to lecture anyone on standards of good parenting?”

Before Tony could answer, Abraham interrupted. “Ah, but Tony: If God Himself came along and told you to sacrifice your own son, you’d probably throw all you’d learned about parental responsibility out of the window, wouldn’t you? I mean, we’re talking Old Testament Deity here!”

“I think if quote-unquote ‘God’ told Tony to off his firstborn son, I think before Tony started looking for his sharpest baby-killing knife, he might well have questioned whether a so-called ‘Loving’ supreme being would have demanded such a thing, wouldn’t you, Tony? You’d probably have asked a few clarifying questions before you started skipping your way up to a blood-spattered altar on top of a big hill, wouldn’t you?”

Tony looked at Abraham and Isaac with an embarrassed expression. “I think I’m going to be off home, mate,” he said. “I’ll see you in school tomorrow, yeah?”

Tony left and Abraham closed the door behind him.

“For what it’s worth,” he said, “I totally knew He was going to stop me before I did it. I knew it was a test.”

“Tell that to Child Services,” Isaac muttered under his breath.

“What was that?”

“Nothing.”