Ex-Tabula Rasa

Pardon me while I blow your mind.

So there’s this TV series, right? Okay. And of the main characters is a young woman whose job involves waiting on other people. And she falls for this broodingly handsome guy who is much older than her. But their love does not always go to plan because he has a dark and murky past that forces him to keep secrets and go off on mysterious errands without telling her why, all presumably for her own good. And a nasty woman from his distant past occasionally comes back and makes things even more complicated.

“Hold up, Fuiru,” you say, “why are you talking about True Blood? The next season doesn’t start for ages!”

But I’m not talking about Sookeh and Bill Compton, oh no. I’m talking about Anna and Mister Bates in Downton Abbey. Boom. I just blew your mind.

And we can take it further. Oh yes.

A handsome young man falls for an attractive and mysterious girl whose ultimate intent is to bring the young man into her family and make him one of their own: Am I describing Jason Stackhouse and Crystal’s Werepanther clan, or Matthew Crawley and Mary’s upper class family? Good question.

A gay guy and his sass-talking co-worker plan the downfall of their other co-worker and her mysterious, brooding new beau. Lafayette and Tara, right? Wrong. O’Brien and William.

While having sex, a girl discovers that her partner in conjugal efforts is dead. Yeah, that could describe just about everyone in True Blood who boffs a vampire, but I’m actually talking about Mary and the Turkish diplomat.

So what exactly am I getting at? This: Downton Abbey is just a British version of True Blood, set in World War 1 and with fewer breasts. They’re basically the same show, but one’s got a bunch of pasty, unhealthily white-skinned sexual deviants, and the other’s got vampires.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering who Eric is? It’s Molesley.

So did anyone get drunk last night?

I didn’t watch True Blood so I’ve no idea what kind of damage my drinking game would have done.

True Blood Drinking Game

The new season of True Blood starts next week so I thought I’d come up with a way of enjoying the show and getting pissed at the same time. Basically, when any of the following things happen, take a drink from your glass (unless indicated otherwise). Please feel free to reblog and add your own! Have fun!

• Someone says “Sookeh” (just take a sip, you don’t want to get too drunk too soon)
• Someone says “Ah’ve been expecting yew”
• Jason Stackhouse says a malapropism (humorously misusing a word)
• Jason Stackhouse humorously misuses the word “malapropism” (finish your drink)
• Someone addresses another character by their first and last names in a formal fashion, despite being quite familiar with each other…
• …despite the fact that they’ve had sex (2 drinks)
• …while they’re having sex (finish your drink)
• Sookie and Tara have an argument and end their friendship
• Sookie and Tara make friends again having previously ended their friendship at some point
• Sookie and Tara have an argument, end their friendship and then make friends again all in the same episode (finish your drink)
• Bill Compton keeps a secret from Sookie ‘for her own good’
• Bill Compton has an expression ike a small boy who just experienced a kick to the balls for the very first time
• Eric does something very un-eric-like as comic relief
• Pam’s veneer of sneering couldn’t-care-less hard-ass bitchery is briefly undermined
• Sam Merlotte makes a really really stupid decision that makes you want punch him
• …the decision is to have sex with someone he obviously shouldn’t be having sex with (2 drinks)
• Jason Stackhouse has sex and the camera concentrates on his glistening abs (only the ladies drink)
• Sookie has sex and the camera concentrates on her glistening breasts (only the men drink)
• A character of authority refuses to believe in someone’s account of something paranormal, despite having previously experienced a shitload of crazy paranormal shit
• Sookie looks longingly at the photo of her grandmother and the moment is ruined by the fact that the photo is really badly photoshopped
• Heavy-handed ‘vampires as representative of persecuted homosexual minority’ allegory
• Heavy-handed ‘vampires as representative of persecuted mutant X-Men minority’ allegory (Finish all drinks)
• A new character is introduced and it is made clear that they have a terrible secret…
• …and that secret is supernatural (two drinks)
• A new class of supernatural character is introduced (i.e. not vampire, werewolf, shape-shifter, witch, fairy, Minotaur, werepanther, telepath, etc)
• …giant robots are introduced (drink everything in the world)
• Every time someone who has read the books says “so-and-so died at the end of book one so this is all new” or “that character doesn’t really feature in the books” or “this is really a minor subplot in a different book” take a drink and punch them.
• A new character is introduced and you’re sure you know them from something, was it Homicide: Life on the Streets? No, it’s something else…maybe there were on Boston Legal one time? (Continuous drinking while IMDB is open)