Ex-Tabula Rasa

The Judgement of Solomon

From 1 Kings 3: Two Harlots are arguing over a baby boy, each asserting that the child is theirs and that the other woman accidentally killed her own son and is lying about it.

(23) Then said the king: ‘The one saith: This is my son that liveth, and thy son is the dead; and the other saith: Nay; but thy son is the dead, and my son is the living.’

(24) And the king said: ‘Fetch me a sword.’ And they brought a sword before the king.

(25) And the king said: ‘I shall divide the living child in two, and give half to the one, and half to the other.’

(26) Then spoke one woman, ‘Yes, this seems like an acceptable solution.’

(27) And the other woman agreed, saying, ‘Indeed, this is most equitable. King Solomon you truly are as wise as they say in the Bible.’

(28) Then the King was like, ‘are you sure, I’m totally going to cut the child in half and then it won’t really be much use to either of you, to be honest. It’s not like with a cake or a pizza where you can share it 50/50, it’s going to be a bit of a mess, all told.’

(29) But both women understood that their King was most wise and concurred that this was the only solution to their quandary.

(30) So King Solomon lifted his sword high above his head, and paused, before saying, ’You’re totally sure? You really want me to cut him in half? I’ll totally do it, don’t think I won’t.’ But the women were like, ‘Totally, whatevs, just do it already.’

(31) And so again the King held the sword aloft, shaking, before stopping himself. He said to the women, ‘I’m going to level with you here, I was pretty sure if I threatened to cut the baby in half one of you would be upset and then I’d know that she was the true parent. I was bloody convinced that’d work - bloody convinced - but now I’m beginning to think you’re both a bit odd.’

(32) Thenceforth the King lost his nerve and decided to grant joint custody to the women, with each getting him for a week at a time. And the women were happy and left.

(33) Next, two men came before King Solomon with a large pizza, and Solomon told the bloke who was taking his sword away not to be so fast, he might need it after all.

You know sometimes you’re waiting for an elevator

And you’ve been waiting ages and ages and one shows up and you’re not really paying attention but you just hear the ding and you don’t really register what the robotic woman’s voice says and there’s a sneaking suspicion that it’s going up and you actually want to go down but fuck it, you’ve been waiting for ages and anywhere is better than here, even if it’s totally in the opposite direction to where you want to go and when you get in the button for the floor you want doesn’t work and your fears are confirmed but you still don’t do anything because you don’t want to look stupid and eventually you get out and you try to make it look like you wanted to go there anyway, even though you just have to turn around and go all the way back down again, even farther than before?

That’s a really good metaphor for some relationships, that is.