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Ex-Tabula Rasa

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Posts tagged black friday

Nov 23 '12

The Origins of Black Friday

For much of the late nineteenth century, a gang of multihued weekdays terrorised the third week in February, wreaking havoc and disrupting people’s schedules.

Their crimes included stealing several hours from the last weekend in May, switching Christmas Eve and Boxing Day (so people were full of anticipation for December 27th and ultimately let down), and kidnapping the 4th of September.

The effects of the gang’s activities are still being felt to this day; Newfoundland in Canada remains out of sync by half an hour as a direct result of their malfeasance.

Sick of their antics, the powers that be decided to split the days up so that they’d be spread out through the year and not bothering anyone. As a result, the gang was effectively broken up and their reign of terror was ended.

The forced relocation of the days had varying effects on each of them. Ash Wednesday was demoted to a constantly changing position at the beginning of lent, and was so disoriented by the change that it repented its sins and found religion.

Blue Monday was moved to the last Monday in January, but got so depressed by its new location that it committed suicide in 1933. It was immortalised in a catchy but depressing song by New Order in the 1980s.

Black Friday fared much better than its compatriots. Moved to November, it became a beacon for consumption and getting trampled by overweight housewives looking for slightly discounted stuffed toys.

The other two members of the gang, Ecru Tuesday and Turquoise Thursday, disappeared without a trace after being relocated. Rumour has it that they’re planning their revenge, and owners of any lazy summer afternoons are warned to be especially vigilant.