I just finished Infinite Jest
I think I started it nine months ago. I can’t remember. It’s been ages and ages. And now I’m finished. All 981 pages plus 300+ footnotes plus going back to certain points because I can’t remember who this character is because he was last mentioned four hundred pages ago and it’s six months since I was at that point of the book. Nine months.
And I kind of want to go back to the beginning and start again.
But I won’t, because I feel like my head will explode, so I’m going to read something light and fluffy.
My Next Book: How to be Sexy
My last few university textbooks didn’t sell very well, despite all the professors I grabbed by the lapels and threatened to punch unless they made my publications required reading on their courses. So I figured a better get-rich-quick scheme would involve exploiting humanity’s narcissism and vanity. I’ve written a guide book for people who want to be physically attractive, which I plan to sell to ugly and gullible people.
The book’s chapters are as follows:
- Preface (written by Kat Von D)
- Introduction: That Child is Crying Because of Your Face but this Book can Make it Stop
- Make-up for Beginners: Maybe She’s Born with it, Maybe Fuck You I Paid Fifty Bucks for this Eyeliner the Least You Can do is Compliment me
- Intermediate Make-up Techniques: Not Looking Like a Burn Victim
- Advanced Make-up Techniques: Looking Like a Burn Victim (if He’s into that Kind of Thing)
- Hairstyles of the Rich and Famous
- False Eyelashes 101: They’re not Big Enough Unless You’ve Killed a Porcupine and Stapled it to Your Eyelids
- Inner Beauty and How it Can be Channelled into Your Face Instead
- Perfume: Why You Don’t Want to Smell like Lars Ulrich’s Jockstrap
- Plastic Surgery: Express Lane Checkout in the Supermarket of Beauty
- Spanx for the Mammaries
- Afterword: First Impressions are Made in Six Seconds and His Cock has Been Hard for Five
World Book Awareness Day
Today is World Book Awareness Day. It is staggering, the number of people who are not aware of the dangers of books. To try and combat this, I have written a leaflet on books, the signs of books and what we can do to avoid them. The contents are listed below; please contact me if you would like a copy.
- (Introduction) Books: What are they, where do they come from?
- Characterization: Everybody thinks it only happens to someone else
- Pathos: The silent killer
- The Great Alliteration Outbreak of 1914: Could it happen again in our lifetimes?
- Metaphor and Simile: Like a pair of evil brothers walking across the land, shooting everyone they come across, laughing all the while
- You may think your home is safe without a Foreshadowing Detector, but you’d be wrong
- Denouement: Responsible for more deaths than both World Wars and Polio combined
- What to do if you find a Deus ex Machina in your child’s bedroom
- Thematic Patterning: Be afraid, be very very afraid
- (Case Study) The Small Paradisal Island that Lived for Centuries in Bliss Until a box of Umberto Eco’s Foucault’s Pendulum Washed up on the Shore and Everybody Died