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Posts tagged dance music

Dec 11 '13

2013: The Year in Music

2013 has been a massive year for music. The most earth-shattering music events of the year included:

  • In February, metal bands Dogthief and Wonky Headboard agreed on a drummer exchange, with the former citing “a need to lower our wage bill to within the salary cap and avoid future fines from the league”
  • London dubstep merchant Ian Pistols headbutted a swan in April
  • Phil Collins was seen exposing himself from a motorway overpass in late September, evading capture by police for more than three hours. It’s estimated that more than six thousand drivers saw the former Genesis singer’s manbits before he was eventually tasered and covered up
  • Twerk riots sparked across several European cities in November. Damage is estimated to be in the squillions
  • The best selling record of the year was the soundtrack album Music Inspired by the TV Show What Would Ryan Lochte Do?
  • Big awards winners of the year include Seminal Handshake (Grammy for Ethnically Diverse Funk-Inspired Rock Album by a Group or Township); Gavin Strapford (Gavin Awards for Gavin of the Year); and Bonnie Tyler (Discount Bookstores Association Award for Best-Selling Calendar Sold at a Reduced Cost in the First Months of the Year to Which the Calendar Refers)

Predictions for 2014:

  • Thousands of new dance music genres crossing over to the mainstream, including: Fudgestep; Unnecessary Trance; Bongo-Soul; Barely Legal 8-Bit Belgian Xylophone
  • Miley Cyrus’s tongue splitting from the rest of her, citing ‘musical differences’
  • The key of C will be huge
  • Invisible saxaphone solos
Feb 22 '13

Weekend Clubbing News

  • Tonight at the Bowl of Soup Club in Dinsmore: Glockenspiel House from DJ Wretched Mess and MC Offputting, with DJ General Electric playing uptempo Dubcrunk in the Lady Viola Hapsburg Memorial Chill-out Suite.
  • The monthly Happy Hardcore night at the Thongsnap has been cancelled as all the DJs watched The Notebook on Thursday. They’ll be playing six hours of Maudlin Hardcore instead, so bring a handkerchief and/or some tissues.
  • Saturday’s inaugural Dubsteptravaganza at the Rotten Neckbeard in Scabbard will feature a guest performance from Morten Harket of Aha, but God alone knows why.
  • Entrance to the Funky Bugger's Trance-Folk all-nighter is free to the first person to donate a kettle, or anyone dressed as a boy scout. DJ Placid Boatride will be supplying the beats and possibly melody.
  • Finally, management at the Club Pom-Pom in Swartch have announced that anyone caught not dancing during DJ Killer Beef's set will be shot.