Ex-Tabula Rasa

Fuiru for Toronto Mayor 2013

Dear Journey

First of all, can I just say that you’re my third favourite band whose name is to do with moving from one place to another. My first and second favourites are the Icelandic folk duo Peregrination and Danish metal band Vagabondage, respectively.

Now let us cut to the chase (which is a word similar to, but not synonymous with, ‘Journey’). Have you ever been to Toronto? It’s great. We have a museum made out of triangles and more trees than the average person could eat in a lifetime. I love Toronto, so much so that I was once arrested for hugging a street (because the policeman thought I was sexing it, but that was due to a faulty zipper on my part(s)).

My love for Toronto is so great that I have decided to run for mayor in 2014 and I think “Don’t Stop Believin(g)” would make an excellent theme song for my campaign. I think it’s appropriate because I would like people to believe in me, and I would like this belief to continue indefinitely. A musical suggestion that they not stop believin(g) in me would certainly help. Also, I think the line about “midnight train[s] to anywhere” may come in handy when I am debating the local transit situation.

Furthermore, the line that goes “Streetlights. People” is also relevant because Toronto has both.

So please let me know if you agree to let me use your song in my forthcoming campaign. If you do, I could make you all my Ministers for Holding on to that Fe-e-e-ling. Call me: let’s discuss.

Yours Torontonially,

Fuiru

Phil for mayor!

do-over:

Seriously. You guys, he’s the BEST.

…And all it took was the promise of a cushy job in my Mayoral team, an SUV full of hookers and a burly intern!

So what are you waiting for? Get on the Fuiru for Toronto Mayor 2014 Gravy Train Bandwagon NOW! 

An observation.

So Right-wing Christians believe that God gave the Earth to humans. And as a result of that, humans can do whatever they want to the Earth, so it doesn’t matter if they pollute the air and oceans and make animals extinct and melt the polar ice and butt-fuck a polar bear while poking a dolphin in the eye with a sharp stick, because the Earth is humanity’s to do with as we wish. They then believe that they’ll go into heaven where they’ll live with God, happily, for infinity.

Let me just say this: If I build you a house, and give you that house, then you trash that house, I sure as hell ain’t letting you stay with me when your lease is up.

 cwj replied to your post: It’s official: I will be running for Mayor of Toronto in 4 years

Would you consider a ban on all non-interesting beer?

When I am Mayor I think it would be wrong to outright ban flavourless beer, but I propose a sliding scale of taxes, similar to Canada’s CCA system of tax incentives for business equipment purchasing, that would make it financially favourable to drink better beer. For example, consumers would find Wellington IPA much more affordable than, say, Budweiser or Molson.

It’s official: I will be running for Mayor of Toronto in 4 years

I’ve given it a lot of thought in the last couple of days and in a staff meeting today I let slip that I was considering it and all my coworkers said they’d vote for me so it looks like I have to get my things in order. That would be six votes from my coworkers (although now I think about it only one of them actually lives within the City of Toronto voting boundary, bah) and Abby has emailed her support (hopefully she’ll be a citizen by then), so I’m well on my way to ruling this city with a fist of iron.

Obviously my main policies need to be fleshed out, but at the moment I’ve got a few good ideas. Here are they:

• I propose we close off a different area of the city each Sunday and play Extreme Adventure Croquet there. For example, I’m thinking of the CN Tower, Queen’s Park and all the shops between Holt Renfrew and The Gap on Bloor Street. This will stimulate spending in our burgeoning mallet and hoop industries.
• I propose a new tax for ironic plastic sunglasses that look like they cost about a dollar from a toy shop but actually cost lots of money. This will hopefully stop people looking like cretins.
• Tax cuts for awesome sideburns! This will be a major platform that I expect will garner a lot of support from both people with awesome sideburns and the hair clipper special interest groups.
• People who wait until the very last second to stop at Stop signs when people are crossing the road will be put on the Sex Offenders’ Register.
• In order to deter cyclists from running red lights and Stop signs I propose we distribute a number of crossbows to randomly-selected pedestrians.
• Everyone who voted for new mayor Rob Ford must write a 1,000 word essay on why they did so and have it on my desk by Monday morning.

I’m quite open to suggestions from residents and non-residents of this fair city. Please feel free to comment or email me with ideas of how I can make Toronto, nay, THE WORLD! a better place.

I would just like to say to the three people who unfollowed me overnight

Nyah nyah nyah, you smell of poo, I can say whatever the hell I like about you because you can’t hear me because you unfollowed me and I never even liked you anyway, whoever you are, nyah nyah nyah, your bums are full of poo and the smell is so bad that it’s coming out of your mouth and you like to eat poo, poo is your favourite food, it’s what you ask your mum for when she wants to know what you want for your special birthday dinner, you say “I’d like my favourite meal, which is poo” and you have poo in your face, pooface.

I’ve been working on it for ten minutes, and here’s my campaign slogan for Fuiru 2014

Fuiru: His Grandfather was Mayor of Bolton in 1980 so he must be Brilliant at Mayoring and Stuff

IT STARTS HERE

FUIRU FOR MAYOR OF TORONTO

(Technically I’m not a citizen yet and can’t actually vote, let alone run for office but I’m pretty sure that’ll all be fixed by the next election)