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Ex-Tabula Rasa

I shall try to define myself in a sentence with a pithy comment at the end:
I'm just an English bloke who lives in Canada after marrying a Canadian lady he met while living in Japan. Yeah, that old cliché.

Shameless Self-Promotion:
My utterly hilarious blog is here
And another one is here


Wow! I'm on Twitter now!
Averaging three stars a tweet since the death of Favrd!

Still Want More?
Email me for fun and frolics*! My address goes along the lines of Japanese (dot) smoth (@) gmail (dot) com. *Actual ratio of fun to frolics may vary.

Posts tagged idiots

Feb 10 '13

For fun, I like to read the discussion boards for my accounting course

"I want to complain about my grade in assignment 3. The question was very misleading. It said ‘Assume the total liabilities is $3,000’ and I lost marks because I assumed total liabilities was four German pfennigs and a ladder."

"I’m not sure why I lost marks for task (a). The marker comment says ‘You were asked to calculate total investment income but instead you drew a picture of a dog in a parachute.’ Can someone help? What did I do wrong"

"Question 4 says we need to date and initial the bottom of all working papers that we’ve worked on. Whose initials do we use? Our own? Or the checkout lady at the local grocery store? Because I’ve forgotten her last name. Her first name is Sheila. No, wait, that’s my first name. This course is so hard!"

Nov 14 '12

Has anyone ever seen Donald Trump and Kent Brockman in the same room together?

Without wanting to make any accusations, I present the following:

  • "This election is a total sham and a travesty. We are not a democracy!" - Donald Trump, November 2012
  • "I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: democracy simply doesn’t work." - Kent Brockman, 1995
  • "Look at what’s happening to Nightly News" - Donald Trump, November 2012
  • "Reporters used to expose corruption and corporate greed. Now, like toothless babies, they suckle at the teat of misinformation and poop it into the diaper called the six-o’clock news." - Kent Brockman, 2007
  • "Our country is now in serious and unprecedented trouble…like never before." - Donald Trump, November 2012
  • "Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve been to Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together." - Kent Brockman, 1992
  • "It’s my honor, real honor, to endorse Mitt Romney." - Donald Trump, February 2012
  • "I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords." - Kent Brockman, 1994
Jun 28 '12
Mar 5 '12

Dave and Politics

I went to University with a guy called Dave. One of his nicknames was “Flak Magnet”, because due a combination of arrogance, idiocy and a lack of self-awareness, he would attract all mockery and disdain in the area.

Dave was interested in politics. Or rather, he was interested in achieving some kind of political office, as this was a stepping stone of his ultimate goal of ‘feeling important’. 

His political leanings were an uncanny mix of deep-seated subconscious conservativism (caused by his vaguely upper-class upbringing) coupled with the unwavering belief that he was some kind of left-wing radical (caused by a teenager-like desire to distance himself from his parents). As you may imagine, however, it’s rather difficult to take someone seriously when they claim to be a socialist while espousing the opinion that poor people shouldn’t be allowed to do Computing degrees because they can’t afford computers.

As a first year student, Dave’s desire for office led him to nominate himself as an independent candidate for the Student Union Environmental Awareness Secretary in the annual elections. Calling himself “Captain Planet,” Dave based his campaign on the claim that there was too much litter on our campus and more bins should be installed everywhere.

Possibly the main reason that Dave wasn’t elected (other than the fact that he called himself Captain Planet) was that a cursory walk around our campus would have shown him that litter was not a problem. Indeed, the litter bins on every second lamp-post (which some may justifiably call garbage overkill) ensured that our University was a beacon of cleanliness, and not the fetid mass of pestilence his posters would have us believe.

Why did Dave choose to base his campaign on litter and bins? My guess is that he did no research, didn’t think about what was actually needed, and instead just said what he thought someone seeking election to an environmental position should say. He wasn’t looking to be the Environmental Awareness Secretary of our university; he was acting like someone looking for the position in some imaginary idealised platonic ideal of a university.

In other words, Dave wasn’t saying what he believed. He was saying what he thought someone in that position would believe. “Today I’m playing the role of an environmental spokesperson, so I’m going to be concerned about litter!”

Now, whenever I hear one of the Republican candidates spouting claptrap like how it’s elitist to want people to have college degrees, or that contraception leads to children being born out of wedlock, I can’t help but think of Dave. And I wonder if his propensity to base his political ambitions on demonstrably false premises, giving no actual thought to people’s actual needs, saying what he thinks people in his position should say, was actually way ahead of his time.

I recently looked up Dave, since it’s ten years since I heard from him. He was a candidate for Labour MP in the last General Election, losing a safe Conservative seat to a woman who is now famous for trying to get abortion banned in the UK.

Nov 17 '11

Herman Cain Campaign Slogans that were Rejected in Favour of “Beat Him with a Cain”

  • Attack Him Mercilessly with a Cain
  • Keep Hitting Him with a Cain Until he Stops Moving
  • Cain, Sugar (to attract chick voters)
  • Cain and Able (rejected when nobody could remember which one was the one who killed the other)
  • The Cain Mutiny (Herman vetoed this as he was afraid his supporters wouldn’t know what a ‘mutiny’ was)
  • A Cane is Something that is used to Beat People and While Herman Cain’s Surname is Spelled Differently in this Case it is an Appropriate Meaning Because Herman Cain will Beat Obama in the Election Which Isn’t the Same as Actually Beating Someone Physically but you can see the Similarity can’t you
  • Vote for the New Black Guy