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Ex-Tabula Rasa

I shall try to define myself in a sentence with a pithy comment at the end:
I'm just an English bloke who lives in Canada after marrying a Canadian lady he met while living in Japan. Yeah, that old cliché.

Shameless Self-Promotion:
My utterly hilarious blog is here
And another one is here

Wow! I'm on Twitter now!
Averaging three stars a tweet since the death of Favrd!

Still Want More?
Email me for fun and frolics*! My address goes along the lines of Japanese (dot) smoth (@) gmail (dot) com. *Actual ratio of fun to frolics may vary.

Posts tagged man

Jun 27 '11

Frank Black’s Hierarchy Revealed

In the song Monkey Gone to Heaven, Frank Black of the Pixies said that if man is 5, then the devil is 6, and if that’s the case, then God is 7. He then shouted a lot and sung about dead primates.

Here, for the first time, is the complete list of Frank Black’s numerical hierarchy of things:

  1. Hair
  2. Catamarans
  3. Spiders
  4. Ocelots
  5. Man
  6. The Devil
  7. God
  8. Former UN Secretary-General Kurt Waldheim
  9. Frank Black

16 notes Tags: reposting something old because I'm out of ideas the pixies frank black god the devil man ocelots

May 13 '10
Yeah, I know. You woke up this morning and you were like, “I really wish someone would post an awesome fucking love spoon on Tumblr today” and the hours went by and you started getting all disappointed because dammit nobody stepped up to the plate. Well consider the plate well and truly stepped on, bitches. See this? This is an honest-to-God arse-kicking love spoon of justice and immensity. Don’t believe me? Just check out that craftsmanship. That’s no shitty mass-made machine manufactured love spoon. That’s hand made. Made by hand. By the hands of a love-spoon-making genius. Check out those lines. The sculpting. When you stand next to that love spoon you can literally feel the workmanship and love and joy and technique oozing out of it like sweat from a fat man’s rag. Take a good, close look at that spoon, ladies and gentlemen. Look closer. Closer. What’s that you say? No, your eyes are not deceiving you. Those are maple leaves. Canadian maple leaves. You see, this love spoon was made by a Canadian bloke who travelled all the way to Wales to learn to make intricately beautiful Welsh love spoons at the hands of the Welsh masters. Dedication? The word doesn’t even cover it. Think of another word that means “Dedication, only even more so”. There isn’t one. We should invent one for this very purpose. “Glavidity”. There you go. There’s your new word. Multiply dedication by a billion and you get glavidity. Multiply glavidity by a billion and you get this love spoon. Simple arithmetic, bitches. So when you woke up this morning, and the desire to see a love spoon started gnawing at your insides, you didn’t realise your love spoon craving would be sated quite so hard, did you? You’re welcome.

Yeah, I know. You woke up this morning and you were like, “I really wish someone would post an awesome fucking love spoon on Tumblr today” and the hours went by and you started getting all disappointed because dammit nobody stepped up to the plate.

Well consider the plate well and truly stepped on, bitches.

See this? This is an honest-to-God arse-kicking love spoon of justice and immensity. Don’t believe me? Just check out that craftsmanship. That’s no shitty mass-made machine manufactured love spoon. That’s hand made. Made by hand. By the hands of a love-spoon-making genius. Check out those lines. The sculpting. When you stand next to that love spoon you can literally feel the workmanship and love and joy and technique oozing out of it like sweat from a fat man’s rag.

Take a good, close look at that spoon, ladies and gentlemen. Look closer. Closer. What’s that you say? No, your eyes are not deceiving you. Those are maple leaves. Canadian maple leaves. You see, this love spoon was made by a Canadian bloke who travelled all the way to Wales to learn to make intricately beautiful Welsh love spoons at the hands of the Welsh masters. Dedication? The word doesn’t even cover it. Think of another word that means “Dedication, only even more so”. There isn’t one. We should invent one for this very purpose.

“Glavidity”. There you go. There’s your new word. Multiply dedication by a billion and you get glavidity. Multiply glavidity by a billion and you get this love spoon. Simple arithmetic, bitches.

So when you woke up this morning, and the desire to see a love spoon started gnawing at your insides, you didn’t realise your love spoon craving would be sated quite so hard, did you?

You’re welcome.

15 notes Tags: Man I have got to stop taking cocaine love spoon hate racism