Ex-Tabula Rasa

The American Right Wing, as Viewed by an Outsider

Republican Politician #1: “Piss.”

Republican Politician #2: “Shit.”

Republican Politician #3: “Piss and shit.”

Republican Politician #4: “Assholes.”

Republican Politician #5: “Six assholes and piss.”

Republican Politician #6: “Twelve assholes and piss and shit.”

Republican Politician #7: “Fuck.”

Republican Politician #8: “Fuck times two.”

Republican Politician #9: “Piss and shit and fuck and assholes and dicks.”

Republican Politician #10: “Eight hundred pisses and a million fucks and all of the dicks and the woman with three boobs from Total Recall and shit times infinity.”

Republican Politician #11: “Eight hundred pisses and a million fucks and all of the dicks and the woman with three boobs from Total Recall and shit times infinity and jizz.”

Mitt Romney: “Dude, that’s out of line.”

Republican Politician #11: “Dammit. I misspoke. Sorry.”

Republican Politician #1: “Piss.”

Republican Politician #2: “Shit.”

[Fade]

Dave and Politics

I went to University with a guy called Dave. One of his nicknames was “Flak Magnet”, because due a combination of arrogance, idiocy and a lack of self-awareness, he would attract all mockery and disdain in the area.

Dave was interested in politics. Or rather, he was interested in achieving some kind of political office, as this was a stepping stone of his ultimate goal of ‘feeling important’. 

His political leanings were an uncanny mix of deep-seated subconscious conservativism (caused by his vaguely upper-class upbringing) coupled with the unwavering belief that he was some kind of left-wing radical (caused by a teenager-like desire to distance himself from his parents). As you may imagine, however, it’s rather difficult to take someone seriously when they claim to be a socialist while espousing the opinion that poor people shouldn’t be allowed to do Computing degrees because they can’t afford computers.

As a first year student, Dave’s desire for office led him to nominate himself as an independent candidate for the Student Union Environmental Awareness Secretary in the annual elections. Calling himself “Captain Planet,” Dave based his campaign on the claim that there was too much litter on our campus and more bins should be installed everywhere.

Possibly the main reason that Dave wasn’t elected (other than the fact that he called himself Captain Planet) was that a cursory walk around our campus would have shown him that litter was not a problem. Indeed, the litter bins on every second lamp-post (which some may justifiably call garbage overkill) ensured that our University was a beacon of cleanliness, and not the fetid mass of pestilence his posters would have us believe.

Why did Dave choose to base his campaign on litter and bins? My guess is that he did no research, didn’t think about what was actually needed, and instead just said what he thought someone seeking election to an environmental position should say. He wasn’t looking to be the Environmental Awareness Secretary of our university; he was acting like someone looking for the position in some imaginary idealised platonic ideal of a university.

In other words, Dave wasn’t saying what he believed. He was saying what he thought someone in that position would believe. “Today I’m playing the role of an environmental spokesperson, so I’m going to be concerned about litter!”

Now, whenever I hear one of the Republican candidates spouting claptrap like how it’s elitist to want people to have college degrees, or that contraception leads to children being born out of wedlock, I can’t help but think of Dave. And I wonder if his propensity to base his political ambitions on demonstrably false premises, giving no actual thought to people’s actual needs, saying what he thinks people in his position should say, was actually way ahead of his time.

I recently looked up Dave, since it’s ten years since I heard from him. He was a candidate for Labour MP in the last General Election, losing a safe Conservative seat to a woman who is now famous for trying to get abortion banned in the UK.

The Sun and the Human Rights Act

Today “journalists” at Rupert Murdoch’s Sun newspaper in England contacted their union to see if the current internal investigation into their workplace could be halted. Their belief is that it goes against the European Human Rights Act, and the Sun employees have requested that a leading human rights lawyer look into their situation and whether the Human Rights Act can be used in this case.

I thought this was an interesting development in the long-running News International phone-hacking scandal, particularly because it represents a remarkable change in opinion of the publication’s staff. Indeed, until very recently the paper had made no secret of its feelings on the HRA. A quick Google search of the Sun’s website led me to find the following:

• “Foreign terrorists, killers and rapists use the law to avoid deportation” (Oct 2, 2011)
• “The introduction of the Human Rights Act has spawned a booming UK human rights industry, which is largely reliant on barmy cases.” (Jan 26, 2012)
• “The hated European human rights act is costing the UK more than £9BILLION a year, experts said last night. The law is used by celebs to hide their secrets behind superinjunctions and lets prisoners fight barmy causes in court. Compensation claims created by the act — the European Convention on Human Rights (ECHR) — cost £7.1billion a year, while £2.1billion is paid out to ensure we follow the often ridiculous rules set down by Eurocrats.” ((April 26, 2012)
• “[Equality and Human Rights Commission chief Trevor Phillips] yesterday blasted the ‘thoroughly bonkers’ way human rights laws are being used. … He warned the Human Rights Act was becoming the ‘exclusive property’ of groups like terror suspects, illegal immigrants and criminals.” (Dec 12, 2011)

One can only speculate as to why the Sun’s staff are resorting to a law that they believe to be a haven for ‘criminals’ who pursue ‘barmy cases’. I wonder what could possibly have changed their mind in the last few days?

Lesser-known facts about Republican Presidential Candidates

Newt Gingrich:

• When applying for a job and made to fill in a box marked “weaknesses,” usually writes “Cannot see through walls”
• Is actually two less conservative men, one standing on the other’s shoulders, wearing a long jacket
• Was sent by Dre to piss the world off, was too successful, hence Eminem
• Likes his buffets like he likes his marriages: Open
• First name is short for “Newton’s Third Law of Thermodynamics”

Mitt Romney:

• Is so rich that he owns two copies of The Incredible Hulk #181, featuring the first full appearance of Wolverine. One copy is kept in pristine condition in a bag, the other he openly reads at comic conventions with jam on his hands
• Doesn’t even like Wolverine that much anyway
• As a child, came across a corporation in a field that had fallen out of a tree and injured its supply chain; he took it home and nursed it back to health before tearfully releasing it back into the free market
• Once helped the homeless by installing a warming mug of delicious, hearty soup at eye-level behind a bulletproof window in his home
• First name is short for “Mitt Romney is Better Than You”

Rick Santorum:

• Thinks about gay men more often than all of Madonna’s backing dancers, past and present, combined
• Believes that tying a tie on the Sabbath is ungodly; does not take off his neckwear upon going to bed on a Saturday
• Gave his wife the pet-name “wombguardian”
• Favourite method of eating a hotdog is to lick off all the condiments in a slow and deliberate manner while moaning softly and holding back tears
• First name is short for “Ricardo”

Ron Paul

• When watching someone play Super Mario 3, usually roots for the Goombas
• Wakes up the morning after a full moon with flesh under his fingernails, ballet gear on the floor of his bedroom and no memory of the previous night
• Can hypnotise the simple-minded
• Is able to use initiative to work independently but also able to collaborate in team-based projects
• References available upon request

South Korean politics is crazy

From today’s Guardian:

An opposition MP set off a teargas canister in the South Korean parliament in a failed attempt to prevent the ruling party passing a free trade deal with the US.

Members of the ruling Grand National party were greeted with shouts and screams as they occupied the national assembly’s main hall to railroad the deal. Opposition MPs tried to physically block them, leading to scuffles and Democratic party’s Kim Sun-dong set off teargas.

The pact will come into effect on 1 January 2012. It is not the first time it has aroused passions in South Korea. In 2008, opposition MPs used a sledgehammer to try and force their way into a barricaded committee room to stop the ruling party from introducing a debate on the US trade deal.

(Source: Guardian)

Herman Cain Campaign Slogans that were Rejected in Favour of “Beat Him with a Cain”

• Attack Him Mercilessly with a Cain
• Keep Hitting Him with a Cain Until he Stops Moving
• Cain, Sugar (to attract chick voters)
• Cain and Able (rejected when nobody could remember which one was the one who killed the other)
• The Cain Mutiny (Herman vetoed this as he was afraid his supporters wouldn’t know what a ‘mutiny’ was)
• A Cane is Something that is used to Beat People and While Herman Cain’s Surname is Spelled Differently in this Case it is an Appropriate Meaning Because Herman Cain will Beat Obama in the Election Which Isn’t the Same as Actually Beating Someone Physically but you can see the Similarity can’t you
• Vote for the New Black Guy

Hot Button Political Topics

A while ago we looked at the main political concerns of several different key demographics, including business executives, single parents, unemployed factory workers and goose salesmen.

This week I have been investigating the hot button topics that are most important to ancient, slightly insane, attic-dwelling spinsters. Using a range of techniques and a representative sample of batty old women still wearing their wedding dresses in a cobweb-infested room from all over the political spectrum, I have determined the themes that politicians should concentrate on if they are to attract votes from this demographic.

Surprisingly, unlike many of the groups of people I’ve previously studied, the economy is not particularly important to ancient, slightly insane attic-dwelling spinsters. Many of them have large inheritances that allow them to live a life of relative ease, requiring very little in the way of material possessions.

By far the biggest political concern of ancient, slightly insane, attic-dwelling spinsters is that of wedding-day jiltage. There are few laws currently against leaving brides at the altar (Kentucky forbids it, but only on Sundays), and this is a situation that many cobweb-encrusted biddies would like to see changed.

In terms of healthcare legislation, witchy old maids have few common goals, although many would like to see an increase in the amount of additives in food, particularly ones that will make wedding cakes last longer when they are sat, uneaten, on forlorn tables with the tears of regret and heartbreak dripping onto their icing.

Another hot-button topic for ancient, slightly insane, attic-dwelling spinsters is that of getting revenge on men, all men, breaking their hearts as their own heart was broken all those years ago by a conniving trickster. To this end, many are keen on reform in the adoption system, to the end that they will be able to raise and train a girl of their own for the purpose of wreacking havoc on the emotions of unwitting men, thus gaining vicarious revenge for the pain they suffered themselves.

Of course, it is impossible in politics to please all of the people all of the time, but any politician with great expectations of gaining valuable votes from the 50-80 year-old single female homeowner still dressed in her wedding gown demographic would be wise to pay attention to these opinions.

Chief Mouser to the Cabinet Office

The ‘Chief Mouser to the Cabinet Office’ is the title given to the cat who lives at 10 Downing Street, the home of the British Prime Minister. The term length of the position is not determined, and can run for many years, until the CM either retires or dies. It is not known how long the position has been held, as official records are only public from 1929 onwards. It is possible that the position was in place in the 16th century, when Cardinal Wolsey acted as Lord Chancellor with his pet cat by his side during the reign of Henry VIII.

The Wikipedia articles on the position and the many cats who have filled it are full of exciting and interesting information. For example:

• “On Remembrance Day 1960  Peter [Chief Mouser, 1946 - 1964] was in trouble for defecating on a doormat only moments before the Queen was due to step on it on her way to the Cenotaph. A catastrophe was averted only by a quick-thinking civil servant, who threw the offending mat out of a window in the nick of time”
• “Humphrey [CM, 1989 - 1997] was said to be of considerably better value than the Cabinet’s professional pest controller, who charged £4,000 a year and is reported to have never caught a mouse.
• “In June 1995, Humphrey went missing. On 25 September 1995 the Prime Minister’s press office announced his apparent death. The publicity led to his rediscovery in the nearby Royal Army Medical College, where he had been taken in as a presumed stray and named PC, short for “patrol cat”.Upon his return, Humphrey issued a statement through the civil service stating, ‘I have had a wonderful holiday at the Royal Army Medical College, but it is nice to be back and I am looking forward to the new parliamentary session.’”
• “[Upon his retirement] Humphrey moved to his new home with an elderly couple in suburban London on 13 November 1997, though his retirement was not announced until the next day to reduce the risk of kidnap attempts.”
• “Conservative MP and animal lover Alan Clark was suspicious about the way Humphrey’s retirement was announced and demanded proof that the cat was still alive: ‘Humphrey is now a missing person. Unless I hear from him or he makes a public appearance, I suspect he has been shot.’ On 24 November 1997 a group of journalists was taken to a secret location in south London and shown that Humphrey was still alive and well. Pictures of the cat posing with copies of the day’s newspapers were published and reports indicated that he had put on weight.”
• “[Current Chief Mouser Larry] has been described by Downing street sources as a “good ratter” and as having “a high chase-drive and hunting instinct”. [Later] anonymous sources were briefing against Larry, saying “there is a distinct lack of killer instinct.”“