Ex-Tabula Rasa

On the Video Allegedly Showing Toronto Mayor Rob Ford Allegedly Smoking Crack with a Bunch of Toronto Drug Dealing Hoodlums

I know this is old news, but I was at my in-laws’ cottage over the weekend and just got back. I’m catching up.

So, Rob Ford, the guy who found himself as mayor of Toronto due to an extremely odd rule allowing people who don’t live in Toronto to vote for Toronto’s mayor, has apparently been videotaped smoking crack, calling the newly-elected Liberal Party leader a “Fag” and referring to the football team he coaches (and skips sessions to do so) as “mostly fucking immigrants.” 

Some have called for Ford’s removal from office, while others have stated that he must address the allegations. Even his supporters have complained that there is too much of a distracting sideshow around the portly, ruddy-faced nincompoop.

However, I disagree. I think he should keep quiet, and I think removing him from office would be a terrible mistake. Here’s why.

Not too long after his election, Ford was seen numerous times driving to his home in not-Toronto, reading official documents while on the highway. Some said he should be chastised, but his response was basically to say “Ha ha you all said I was so stupid I couldn’t read and now look at me reading and driving at the same time.”

During a conflict of interest case which Ford lost but later won on appeal, it was determined that Ford was unaware that his actions were a conflict of interest because he hadn’t read the ‘code of conduct for public servants’ book. Some wrong-headed people claimed that not knowing how to do one’s job should be a reason for removing that person from their job. But Ford stayed.

At a party a few months ago, Rob Ford is alleged to have made inappropriate comments to a former political opponent and apparently touched her bottom. Ford denied the allegations, saying something probably idiotic that nobody heard as it was washed out in a tidal wave of forehead sweat. He did not lose his job.

Then, a little while ago, it was revealed that the mayor of Toronto was asked to leave an official dinner for retired soldiers after appearing inebriated. Some “insiders” made off-the-record comments about a possible drinking problem and a refusal to go to rehab, which Rob denied. He remained mayor of the largest city in Canada.

Now, Rob Ford is apparently on tape smoking crack with drug dealers.

I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure if we let him stay in office, it’s only a matter of months before he’s caught on camera murdering an aide while anally penetrating a midget dressed as Hitler, all the while singing “That Don’t Impress me Much” by Shania Twain and kicking a dog.

Please, let’s make this dream a reality. Let’s keep Rob Ford in office.

Fuiru for Toronto Mayor 2013

Free Gigs in Toronto this Weekend

Hey, I know there’s a lot going on this weekend, but some nerds might be interested in the following free gigs in Yonge-Dundas Square:

Friday: Matthew Good - Plants and Animals

Saturday: Flaming Lips - Portugal. The Man - Of Montreal

Sunday: Raekwon & Ghostface Killah - Killer Mike

For more information go here: NXNE website

Torontup People: Excellent Places to Visit

Here is a list of some of the lesser-known, but no lesser-fun (ha-ha) places to visit in Toronto.

• The Royal Ontario Cheese Curd Museum features over six different kinds of cheese curd. An antique bowl of cheese curd is on display behind a scent-proof barrier. Kids will love the hands-on experience in Captain Curdelia’s Curdstravaganza Laboratory, where they can play with as much cheese curd as is decent in this day and age.
• Brave souls may want to try the Unofficial Moonlight Midnight Geddy Lee Walk, where a dedicated guide will walk you through the streets of downtown Toronto, giving information on Geddy Lee and looking for his house, which he’s sure is around here somewhere, it’s either this block or the next one over, dammit all these postwar duplexes look the same.
• The Corner of Front Street and Yonge Next to the Sony Centre is home to quite possibly the worst smell in the world. Can you guess what it’s caused by? You’ll be surprised! (Open 24/7)
• One of the best attractions that Toronto has to offer is St. Clair Signs Inc. From banners to menu boards and awning signs, St Clair Signs Inc. is fun for all the family, except for grandparents (who are kindly asked to wait outside)!
• RickMoranisWorld is an “amusement” park dedicated to the life and works of Rick Moranis, who was in films. Take a trip on the RickRoller (Coaster), a wild ride in which you symbolically journey through Rick’s thought process when deciding on what films to appear in. Enjoy the No Man is a Moranisland ride, which begins as a water-based log flume and ends with a showing of all of Rick’s scenes from Ghostbusters 2 in puppet form. (For ticket information, call 416-555-1000 and ask for Rick)

So you’ll be on The National tonight?

Peter Mansbridge: “Good evening and welcome to The National. I’m Peter Mansbridge.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford says public employees are paid too much and receive too many benefits. Today he pointed at the appearance of a deer in downtown Toronto, citing it as evidence of a lack of effectiveness by public employees to prevent deer attacks.”

[Cut to video of Jabba the Hutt laughing]

Jabba the Hutt: “Hogh hogh hogh.”

Peter Mansbridge: “I apologise, that was not a video of Mayor Rob Ford; that was a video of his brother, Doug.”